ANGER MANAGEMENT OR FRAUD – zuki is open for business

Good Morning Acrimonious Satori-ists,

I read an article yesterday and knew immediately what today’s topic had to cover. Yes, you’ve probably already guessed it; anger management! It seems an angry young woman of 19 was ordered by the court as part of a plea-bargain to attend anger management classes. Let’s step back a moment shall we? We subject a room full of angry people to counseling on court-ordered requirements, which means they’re not there by choice suggesting to me most are there with an attitude. Then we’re surprised when this 19 year old woman stabs and assaults another woman while in class! It’s bizarre to be sure, but I understand this resentment!

The fundamental logic behind any effective counseling is that it needs to be sought out by the individual believing they have a problem in need of resolution. The courts continually complain about the recidivism rate of such egregious offenses like DUI, verbal abuse, or “taunting someone a second time.” Yet instead of dealing with the real core issues of the problem our benevolent judge’s order these ‘criminals’ to 24 – 64 hours of mandated counseling at $35 an hour missing the boat entirely!

I did some research. Instead of doing something substantive, our law makers created an industry that does close to $30 billion a year in court ordered counseling classes. It only takes 20 hours of college level course study to become a certified counselor! There are several companies that offer franchising to set up your very own state approved courses and WALAH! you’re in business. Now it’s even easier! All you need now is a web domain and set it up online!! You don’t even need the brick and mortar anymore so they’ve closed their sleazy basement office and put a nice looking website together. I’m actually looking to see if the ‘Diatribe’ will qualify, Lord knows we’re on the dark side of goofy. But is the state actually benefiting the individuals caught in the net? Or is it simply a matter of collecting revenues as punishment? To quote D’vant, “Money money money.” You talk about hypocrisy! Let’s call it what it is; state revenue not rehabilitative counseling! What happens after anger management doesn’t work? Does somebody have to get slashed?!

The internet is lousy with qualified counseling services many of which are ‘online.’ With just a brief sampling of these entities I came up with 10 types of anger that can be identified. I believe with all my heart that the two or three of you reading this confession will recognize their own anger issues and seek help.

Buried Anger:People who are not aware that they are angry, but experience physical symptoms (depression, anxiety, ulcers, etc.) If this doesn’t fit our associate Just JACKWAGON I don’t know what does.

Hidden Anger:People who are aware that they are angry, but choose to hide it from others. This is what happens to Elvis every time he climbs in a car without phone books.

Sneaky Anger:People who procrastinate, gossip and use “the silent treatment” when they are angry at others. This certainly describes my ex-wife and the ‘snubbing’ technique offered up by Madcow.

Paranoid Anger:People who think that you are angry at them without any evidence to prove otherwise. JJ please pay attention to this.

Impulsive Anger:People who have a “short fuse” and explode without considering the consequences. This is something I’ve struggled with, but have fully conquered my anger.

Shame-based Anger:People who attempt to cover-up their imperfections with perfectionism and become rage-filled when they fail. I think it’s clear our Bagwan suffers from this to add to his ‘holy fucker’ issues.

Intentional Anger:People who use anger to intimidate, threaten, and bully others in order to get what they want. I’m sad to announce that Poo is guilty of this not only to others, but sadly to his children as well.

Mood-Altering Anger:People who use anger to elevate their mood when they are feeling depressed. I personally like this one and don’t find it to be an issue worth $35 an hour.

Habitual Anger:People who find anything to be angry about 24/7. I’ve found KAT exhibits this kind of anger as nobody has seen her happy about anything but counting her money and leaving!

Defensive Anger:People who use anger to protect themselves against others who have been hurtful and are unable to forgive them. D’vant please step forward and collect your prize! I knew this was you but didn’t realize there was a term for it other than asshole!

Righteous Anger:People who believe they are moral and justified in their fighting for something greater than themselves. Who does this sound like? Tammy and DeeDee tilt at windmills more than anyone I know!

I understand you probably don’t think any of this applies to you, but if you can take a quiet moment of introspection and be honest with yourself, then please contact me. ‘Marzuki’s House of Anger’ will open January 2nd 2011. I’ll cut agency prices by $10 per hour. Space is limited and let’s face it, given our PC tormented lives classes will fill fast! CALL NOW or email to reserve your seat online.


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