Good Morning People of Clemency,
With little to go on in terms of clues, it seems our friend Poo has once again slithered his way out of our lives. I think it’s been well established our one-time anchor at ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ is somewhat diminished in his capacity to reason these days and prone to mis-adventure. His children are of the belief ‘we’ continue to be a bad influence and detrimental to their beloved father’s health. Whenever I inquire as to their father’s whereabouts I’m stonewalled and curtly told to go away. Consequently I’m always left to my own devises to put myself in his shoes and figure out where he headed. As you might imagine this ‘discovery’ process can lead to odd happenstances.
The last time I saw our demented friend was at Dewey’s, and as is his custom of late, he began to grope, even feel-up several of our female guests. At first everyone thought it was cute in a lecherous sort of way, but most of them have grown weary of it and now threaten to press charges. In interviewing these victims I asked them if they remembered anything beyond his slobbering stories of Chinese debauchery that would help locate him. All but Dee Dee couldn’t understand him let alone retrieve useful information. Dee Dee has known our besmirched associate as long as anyone, and one of the few able to interpret his incoherent blathering. When I approached Dee Dee to ask a few questions, she immediately knew what I was after and said without hesitation, Poo was headed to the ‘In N Out Burger’ for a ‘Double Meat’ and a whore named “Purdie.”
I got to the In N Out and started asking around. The fry dude told me if I waited around until 6:00 PM Purdie usually got a Diet Coke and sat in the back booth. What the hell it was only 15 minutes, so I ordered a 4 X 4 ‘Animal Style’ and waited. The fry guy was spot on as a semi-attractive woman came in alone, purchased a Diet Coke, and sat in the booth next to the rear door. I approached Purdie and asked if I could sit down and she eagerly said “yes.” I described Poo to her and asked if he was a client. I knew I’d fucked up because she immediately suspected me of being a cop and withdrew. I assured her I wasn’t and explained Poo’s precarious situation. Purdie looked as though she’d seen a ghost so I asked her what was wrong. “I may have killed him” she bemoaned with guilt, “This man is the kinky-ist SOB I’ve ever met!” “What do you mean” I asked with some trepidation. Lowering her voice she whispered, “He likes me to pretend I’m his mother” she said blushing a little, “I mean not just to ‘nurse’ but to change his diapers, sing nursery rhymes, and burp him! When we met up yesterday he now wanted me to spank him in addition to the other weird things” she continued, “AND HE REALLY LIKED IT!” she said obviously proud of herself. With a little more urging, she finally told me Poo had mentioned right after his diaper change he was planning a trip to ‘Timber Line.’ Now I knew where he was generally, but just exactly where was still a ’needle in a haystack.’
On a hunch I called Pitkin County Sheriff’s Department and asked if there were any reports of strange or unusual behavior involving an old man wearing a “Crocodile Dundee” hat. Dispatch asked me why I was interested so I lied and told her Poo was my father. She put me on hold so I was forced to listen to the “Ray Coniff” singers do “Let it Be” by the Beatles; it was very disturbing. Lt Heffernan got on the phone and told me they had arrested a man running naked in the campgrounds with only his ugly leather hat. Evidently Poo wouldn’t give his name, but claimed to be ‘King of the Forest’ and those people camping were trespassing and demanded they leave immediately. I knew this could only be our good friend Poo. I told the good Lt. I was sending someone to post bail and headed west.
By the time I arrived the entire department was running around with weapons drawn; flashlights pointing in all directions. I stopped a Deputy to ask what was going on and as I suspected, Poo had lost his orange jump-suit and had escaped headed for Aspen. Like ‘Cool hand Luke’ I’d lost his trail. I’m not sure how long one can survive naked at timber line, so please help me. I’m forming a search party and so far only Phat-Ass has volunteered. Jeez.