Good Morning Zealots,
I don’t know if any of you solid citizens have heard but there’s been talk of reinstating human sacrifice to convince God to clean up the Gulf of Mexico as well as our Jihadist friends bent on killing us. The bill was written and introduced by Representative Manny Fitzenbaum of Indiana who explained “Everybody is behind this; I mean EVERYBODY wants this man.” The bill, HB-3011 has met opposition from both sides of the isle. I highly suspect this is nothing more than bluster and bullshit in full righteous indignation mode. I know bluster when I hear it. The provisions of the bill are a bit sketchy and will no doubt have to be cleaned up in the ‘rules committee,’ but the requirement of limiting sacrificial candidates to 18 year old virgin women has the feminists screaming bloody murder. It’s likely the bill will be amended to include male virgins as well. However, the gay community sees this as a gender based issue that will ultimately define whether they qualify as a male or the dreaded ‘other.’ Definitions will be necessary as to whether or not sodomy disqualifies one from being classified as a virgin. The ACLU is getting Dv’ant’s take on it as we speak.
Generally speaking I’m for this bill. I just hope the public will be included in the process. I would look forward to nominating candidates for sacrifice. Think about it! One morning you walk into IHOP for a stack of flapjacks and you’re waited on by a voluptuous 18 year old woman. You flirt a little, you ask her out, and she refuses you; rebuffing all advances. I’d pull out a nomination form so she could see it. Just as you begin to fill it out, she runs over to fill your coffee cup leaving her phone number begging you to call, thus re-discovering the lost world of sex for curmudgeons everywhere! I’m not sure our lawmakers saw this as a side benefit or not, but let’s face it most of them are curmudgeons!
The other provision being hotly debated is the idea of bidding the event out to all networks. It might draw more viewers than the Super Bowl so advertising revenues would be through the roof! Apply all revenues toward the national debt and it will be nullified toot-sweet. Just as suicide bombers are promised 72 virgins for volunteering, so will be the lucky candidate selected! A million dollars will be at the sacrificee’s discretion as to how it’s spent. Parents would start at birth by keeping their children pure, free of sex and/or masturbation preparing them for their great day of sacrifice contributing to the greater good of all mankind. This gives parents 18 years to prepare and plan for life after baby. I don’t see a down-side here, unless of course one is 18 and still a virgin.
How’s this killing to be done? One might ask. Fitzenbaum’s solution is a bit grim but has merit. The virgin will be strapped to a solid concrete wall 15’ X 15’ X 5’ located at the end of a runway. A bus is modified by removing the windshield replaced with a metal plate with spikes welded to it some three feet long. The spiked plate is mounted from the bottom bumper to about the same level of the driver’s knees. Upon a ‘go’ signal the driver (1st runner up candidate) accelerates to 60 mph and smashes into the wall instantly killing the virgin. If the driver manages to survive they are exempt from further consideration. However should they die from the impact, we’ve achieved a ‘two-fer’ which of course would please any God.
Fitzenbaum’s logic is sound. Cameras would be mounted not only on the bus, but would also be pointed at the virgin’s face to get close-ups capturing the final moments of terror just seconds from impact! This would be far more entertaining than CSI Miami or Christians vs Lions for that matter! IT SCREAMS “MADE FOR TV!” Please write your local politician asking them to support HB 3011, “It’s the right thing to do.”