Good Morning Lilly’s of the Field,
I must say it’s a bit long, but it doesn’t take long to catch his drift. Fez has finally pushed our associate to the brink. No one under the age of 18 should continue reading. I’m serious, go away now. Enjoy:
Barstool Anthropologist Considers “fez”
Author: DV ANT
The youth of a species represent the only immortality to which
An organism can aspire; the DNA code is amazingly resistant to
deresolution, even across vast periods of time, thus ensuring the
propagation of the essence of one’s being. While mutations occur
under the motivating force of Natural Selection, it is the intention
of reproducing adults to beget an offspring which retains the
characteristics of the parent(s), i.e. “a chip off the old block”.
As has been demonstrated for decades, Natural Selection is a
regulating function of species interacting with their environment.
“The fittest shall survive” — to reproduce.
Unfortunately, the species to which Barstool Anthropologist is
dedicated — Homo Sapiens — have, for millennia, defied Natural
Selection via a construct of collective bargaining for goods and
services and reversing the natural course of defective genes.
As a result, we find our planet *infested* with billions of
beings who not only devastate their habitat, but who operate under the
ridiculous belief that they are somehow more valuable than the other
species on the planet.
This tragic, anthrocentric worldview has filled our cities
with mental defectives, bar yahoo’s and, as we shall see,
self-absorbed, uneducable little twits who should have been strangled
After receiving an informative jingle on the Barstool Anthropology
Red Phone, I set the busy staff to work studying the latest subject,
What we found was a veritable smorgasbord of information which
demonstrates, in no uncertain terms, the utter unfitness of the
subject to continue respirating without immediate rebuke, and if
possible, summary execution, at the hands of a willing defender of
Before we delve into the subject’s stupefying failures here in
marzukionline.com , let’s take a little trip thru the Post’s to understand the background of the subject
In our first encounter with the self styled “fez”
#1 | fez on January 24 2010 21:41:19
“zuki I must tell you, as a loyal reader of your bullshit over a year now, I’ve always wanted to cut you to shreds with a good verbal lashing, the kind that leave scars, but I never wanted to get involved. I can’t believe it–all the stories of shit and excess and dv’ant is a player?! I’d be willing to wager I can beat him.”
A cursory inspection revealed to BarsAnthro language expert T.
“The subject failed to register even a nodding acquaintance with simple skills”
Ms. Tortaglia continues:
“The subject is obviously incapable of critical thought. His
inability to master even simplistic rules of language demonstrates an
obvious lack of basic survival skills. I seriously doubt the subject
can even feed himself with a microwave oven and frozen foodstuffs
featuring clearly labeled instructions. He is utterly unfit to
reproduce. I hate him.”
With that, Ms. Tortaglia shuttled off to the Dewey’s
for several rounds of locally-brewed pilsner.
The staff grumpily poured through the rest of the posts attributed to the subject. If not for their dogged determination to commit to research in the name of Science, the job have would have gone unfinished, and the guttering candle-flame of Science would have
suffered one more threatening whisper of ignorance.
In the interests of brevity and respect for the readership, I
will refrain from posting here the entire litany of observations and
margin notes made by the staff during their tortuous descent into the
subject’s miserable existence.
It is to be noted that each time the subject has lost a piece in the chess game at hand a bizarre and cryptic response ensues, in he first game fez ignored a threat to his kings knight by a pawn and when it was taken demanded a rematch or replay in contravention of the normal rules of correspondence chess. Then in the second attempt to play a game of chess he invents a ghost move that, again after the loss of a pawn in a contravention of the normal rules of chess (The Queen would need to move several times or through other intervening pieces to be at taking a pawn at bishop 7 it should be noted that the squares on the chess board are numbered from the bottom up from the white side of the table not from both sides therefore the pawn in question is his own pawn and he could only be checkmating him self.) Now while tell telling fez to go mate himself is a good idea in its own right. I will repost only the conclusions which the staff had about
the subject’s posts:
“The subject’s probable IQ and elevation of the evolutionary
ladder are found to be frighteningly low. The numbers varied, but to
an acceptable level of certainty, which was confirmed when we read the
Chess posts. It was determined that age should be a dependant factor only insofar as IQ was concerned, and best estimates put that number within the range 62-88, as measured by our standardized test (the respected Vittler-Hurlbutt Test).
“The vast bulk of posts consisted of painfully inept and
embarrassingly futile attempts at intrigue, usually packed into one-
or two-line responses which neither illuminate the reader nor uncover
new intellectual ground.
“The context, however, gives more insight than the actual
ludicrous yammerings contained within. Persistently engaging in
bathroom-like banter is a solid indicator of less-than-optimum rhetorical capabilities.
“The subject is, in short, a twit. By all indicators, his
presence in the one forum capable of dissecting, exposing and eating
the very heart of his insipid existence is a klaxon for the immediate,
merciless extinction of this petulant bonobo.”
Of course, the staff here at Barstool Anthropologist first
became aware of the subject after his inexplicable surfacing here in
this forum. We were at first puzzled, then dismissive. It was only upon
closer inspection that we discovered the true depths of the subject’s
The subject claims an intimate understanding of the simple guidelines
adhered to by the members of the group:
Yet, the evidence is clear this is not so:
“My God you call yourself a player!? The ‘Ghost Move’ came during the controversy about bathrooms in 2006 world champ!! It was sanctioned in 2007…do your homework!!”
It becomes obvious at this point that the subject is a Neolithic
atavist; a clueless, grasping simpleton with hardly two wits
to rub together. His presence in this forum (and on this planet) is an
insult to anyone who conceives a progressive march of human evolution.
Furthermore, the subject has become a painful reminder of that
world outside, festering as it is with hordes of semi-sentient offal
who attempt to pass themselves off as equals?
If Darwin has taught us anything, it is that the health of a
species is determined by its ability to pass on only the genes which
will foster a new generation capable of succeeding in its
Our subject is a glaring example of our failure to pay heed to
this immutable and unsympathetic Law. He represents our collective
unwillingness to sacrifice numbers for quality. His idiotic brayings
are the wake-up call for overt correction of the gene pool.
It is worth noting that the subject did address Barstool
Anthropologist before the completion of our investigation. It was
decided that the fact the subject is aware of our existence does not
necessarily negate our objectivity during the process of study; it was
determined that so few environmentally advantageous memes find root in
the subject’s skull, that we could continue the study with a high
degree of confidence that this awareness would not muddy the findings.
We are, however, compelled to address the comments made, if
for nothing else than to assert our recognition of public discourse.
The subject made the following statement in regards to BarsAnthro’s
“I find it absolutely laughable you quote me USCF rules in a game found on this site! It’s your move moron!”
It is thrilling indeed that we here at BarsAnthro can actually
converse with our subjects, while our colleagues in similar fields
must stimulate amoebas and catalog megatherium femurs. Thus, it is with
great pleasure that I relate the following observation:
You, sir, are a semi-literate insect of the lowest order. It
is with the tightened muscles of unspeakable disdain with which I slap
your foolish face; you are a clueless, worthless, insignificant
termite in a moldy nest of expendable human waste products.
There is no excuse for your continued existence, much less
your presence here in this blog. Because of your stupidity and
charmlessness, you have found here no allies and will suffer nothing
but universal reprisal.
It is strongly suggested that you flit on back to your
appointed rounds with your fellow slack-jawed primates. With them, you
may hoot and chatter to your heart’s content; in here you will only
find the snapping teeth of Darwinian deliverance.
May you, and everything you stand for, one day become only
digital footnotes in the history of human evolution. You betray all
that it means to be sagacious, winsome and effective.
You are worthy only of being scraped from the bottom of my
boot as I walk in from the rain to my luxurious estate here at the
May your failure to reproduce be met with universal joy.
– DV ANT
– Chairman, Barstool Anthropologist.
– Dewey’s Chapter