Good Morning Protrusions,
Sometimes during the course of rotation we’re called upon to do things we otherwise wouldn’t dream of. Typically these requests for such tasks come from loved ones or co-workers typically looking for heavy lifting. While I believe in a certain quid pro quo when it comes to doing favors, there are lines “you do not cross” in terms of what one person asks another to do. House sitting, dog sitting, baby sitting, moving, packing, shuttling, lending, guidance, counseling, pick up, drop off, providing ‘the’ ham, and dish out the occasional cigarette are generally the duties one is asked to perform. These favors while not always well timed or welcomed, but usually delivered with minimal complaint.
One of our own crossed the line into odious!
First off I must clearly state our good friend has done big favors for me and others dwelling in the shadows of ‘curmudgeon corner,’ and would gladly do a favor for our associate! Our fellow committee member is well liked by almost everyone, except perhaps the Bagwan, who let’s face it, doesn’t like anybody. Nevertheless I must obey the goddess of papers served, protecting my mouthy ass. Suffice it to say he/she is the biggest name-dropper I know, and claims to have had Ruth Buzzy!
I noticed our melancholy friend sitting quietly (highly unusual) at the bar and walked east toward my usual seat mumbling as I passed, “Hey you goofy dick-head how you doin?” This in most cases would have elicited a snotty retort and launch us into a verbal ping-pong which is of course the idea. Instead I got stone cold silence. “What’s wrong with you– asshole?” thinking perhaps I wasn’t heard. At last our rotund associate turned toward me but was visibly upset. He/She’d been crying which given the Santa hat affixed to his/her head served only to exacerbate the pathetic scene. One more time I asked what was the matter. He/she whispered please do me a favor….. “Of course I will,…. what can I do for you?”
It seems our fellow curmudgeon’s Uncle Frank had been visiting for the holidays and evidently needs to be watched 24/7 given advanced Alzheimer’s. I’ll never understand why these people are allowed to travel, let alone unassisted! My good friend needed to attend pressing issues at work but couldn’t find anyone willing to take this responsibility leaving me as his/her only choice. Everyone knows I do this sort of thing with dip-shit dogs, and rudimentary house cleaning, but never asked to watch a delusional old person. I was assured it would only be three hours before the geezer’s daughter would relieve me but let me tell you something—never agree to do this thing! By far this was the most earthy reality check I’ve ever experienced, and will not do it again until I’m the one with potato salad in my pants.
With a guilty sense of obligation I agreed to watch Uncle Frank. I knew I was in trouble when my fellow asshole handed me a gym-bag containing medication schedules, insulin syringes, and a box of Depends. My benefactor left with a shit-eating grin conjuring up a meek thank you. This was over-the-top bullshit!
Uncle Frank was reasonably well behaved but had some sort of obsession with digging the contents out of his Depends and using it to decorate the kitchen wall! While I can appreciate poop paintings as well as anyone, but the smell was suffocating! Of course it wasn’t my house and my guilty sense of obligation didn’t include cleaning shit off walls or changing diapers so I locked him in the master bedroom and held vigil for my relief. It was difficult at first, but I actually found his constant screaming funny. He seemed to be doing disjointed one-liners while gagging a final breath.
FROM NOW ON….DON’T ASK!