EVERYONE NEEDS REHAB – zuki proffers business plan

Good Morning Cyber-Monks,

Well it’s finally happened. I don’t like tooting my own horn…okay sometimes I do, but I called this years ago after meeting a few kids including my own, whose lives to a large degree had been taken over by a video game. I recognized it as addiction right away. In spite of my keen foresight and business acumen, I keep missing the boat. Someone (no doubt a frustrated councilor to drunks) recognized the need for a rehab center for Internet addiction! Even many of my own generation struggle to stay in touch with reality! They fill hour after hour online (one-handed surfing) without regard to normal social interaction. For many if it weren’t for employment they’d have zero interchange with other humans. In some ways I understand that. But one needs to learn basic social skills to survive. I read an article (link below) about this very thing and the following snippet is the gist of it:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090827/sc_livescience/internetaddictsgetfirstustreatmentclinic

“Hardcore Internet junkies now have their very own version of the Betty Ford clinic.

The Heavensfield Retreat Center, located in Fall City, Wash., claims to be the first U.S in-patient center to treat Internet, video game and texting addictions. Enrollment in the clinic’s 45-day Internet addiction recovery program, called reStart, costs roughly $14,500.

The program is designed to wean patients off the Internet by combining traditional talk therapy with social skills training, such as lessons in conversation techniques and dating. Patients also feed goats, raise chickens and do home-maintenance work as a way of getting reoriented with the offline world.
The clinic’s first patient is a 19-year-old boy from Iowa who admitted to being hooked on the online game World of Warcraft.”

Can you believe that?!! Not wanting to miss yet another opportunity I’d like to proffer a business opportunity, so bear with me while I give you an executive’s executive summary brief. Any addiction, or let’s say all additions share a commonality. Simply stated, an addiction is anything that has taken control of your life. Think about it, addictions must range from A to Z! One need not look beyond ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ to find a wide range of addictions or addictive behavior at the very least. For the two or three of you reading this needle and spoon you may remember Poo’s addiction. His own sons had an interdiction party and actually caught him red-handed (so to speak) with a jar of Vaseline! He had to be forcibly dragged to masturbation re-hab. Madcow got busted while standing on a crate looking into someone’s bedroom window (not sure if anyone was actually there). I think we all know Dv’ant’s addiction and will leave it at that. It’s too late for Griz, as he’s actually checked into his own rehab center for actors missing fame by ‘that’ much. The Bagwan continues to struggle with self-identity issues and perhaps worse; BMW or Mercedes? No doubt our first patient would be Cush. He has zero internet skills and prefers to keep it that way. Yet if we can teach him a few social skills, particularly on how to hold a conversation, he’ll gladly cough up $15K. Just JOE, the person responsible for the term “Sea Kitten” and PETA Sgt-at-arms, spends way too much time working the Denver light rail crowd with his “Three Card Willie” scam. I could go on, but I think you see the point so let’s continue.

Ladies and Gentlemen this is a gold mine! All that’s needed is a national radio ad campaign and three dozen rooms with a single chair and toilet. The ROI is boundless! In less than three years we’ll take it public; raising $10,000,000 in a single day! However, like all business plans one needs to outline any risks associated with this kind of enterprise and there are a few. Most difficulties are minor and easily addressed. The most serious risk boils down to who will run the day to day operation? What skill-sets are necessary? Is there anyone out there qualified to drive the business and not flush it? First of all this person needs to be ADDICTION FREE. I believe that’ll narrow the pool down to a handful. Also this person should have a certain ‘curb appeal’ with outstanding people skills. The successful candidate should be able to identify emerging markets such as ‘Ass beer-bong’ parties and quickly evaluate potential. Further, they should be able to empathize with patients living under a viaduct. As you can see this decision is vital to our overall success. Having wrestled with this important risk I’ve come to the conclusion that nobody but me is qualified. Is this not the very function of my humble forum? It’s a burden of course, but I must wear this mantle and take one for mankind.

Please contact me on the private message feature should you wish to see the entire business plan.

zuki

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