Good Morning Explorers of Cumshaw,

It occurred to me (in my sleep I think) that most of us consider ourselves sensible if not reasonable in our dealings with others. I’m sure that for the most part, this assumption is true. We go to bed each night and mentally check off the good deeds that surely must keep us in good standing with God’s pro vs con ledger. After all, at the end of the day isn’t that what matters? Discounting the fact most religions believe Satan is responsible for the injustices and awful things mankind does to one another, but for me it boils down to what you believe. Good versus Evil has been the central theme of countless literary works not to mention the day to day struggles in doing the right thing. “Some of the craftiest scoundrels that ever walked this earth . . . will gravely jot down in diaries the events of every day, and keep a regular debtor and creditor account with heaven, which shall always show a floating balance in their own favor.”– Charles Dickens.

In my efforts to keep the balance in my favor I find myself asking about those individuals that continually erode my normally generous disposition. Regardless of all efforts to either accommodate or resolve their misguided issues they neither understand nor care that I’d rather see them dead. I can’t be the only one this happens to! There has to be a way to protect ourselves from these leeches. If I’m not mistaken there are laws that allow for ‘justifiable homicide’ designed to protect those of us that must kill in self defense. Sadly though, a shot through the head is not enough! The many crimes against my sensibilities deserve not only death, but a slow and painful ordeal; taking hours, even days before the anguish is subdued by their extirpation. That probably sounds mean, but is it over the top?

The two or three of you reading this thumb-screw will no doubt witness that over the years I’ve had a number of people feel it necessary to inject themselves uninvited into my space. I’m the one that documents such wretchedness, but willing to bet every one of you has shared this unfortunate side of human nature. My current intrusion doesn’t understand, nor care that their presence is not only unwelcome but reviled! This idiot is so desperate for companionship they’ve found sympathetic drunks willing to listen to never ending stories of woe while threatening to kill themselves. It’s been my experience that those pathetic nitwits that cry about ending their own lives, do so only to gain compassion from unsuspecting well wishers having a quiet drink. Think about it! They need an outside source to list reasons for living…causing the slime-ball to be uplifted; seeing yet another day. Why are we responsible for that?! It’s too bad others feel sorry for this weepy-eyed maroon, because honestly this slug has no intention of offing themselves, but instead will insist on being a burden to others. It would be far simpler if they’d just DO IT! STOP TALKING ABOUT IT AND PULL THE FRIGGIN TRIGGER!

Given this feeble minded sap has no intention of jumping off the bridge, I suppose it’s up to me to devise a plan to rid us of this cluck. I got on line and was browsing through the many entries concerning the Spanish Inquisition stunned by its brutality. Jeez Louise, these people knew how to extract a confession! With the help of one of our own I was directed to the many medieval devices used to inflict a slow painful death. I’m ashamed to admit it but it was like Christmas morning! I had a difficult time choosing from the many torturous options afforded me but at last found the perfect tool; a Vaginal Pear. “Its name comes from its shape. This instrument had a screw mechanism by which it was progressively expanded to the maximum aperture of the two or three elements it was made of. This instrument was forced into the mouth or rectum of male victims and into the vagina of female victims. The oral, rectal, or vaginal pear was inflicted on people guilty of sodomy, on women guilty of adultery, people guilty of incest or sexual union with Satan, and it was also inflicted on heretical preachers and blasphemers.” I don’t consider this a stretch because I’m not certain which orifice would make the most sense?!

Is this wrong? Look I’ve even located the oft’ referred to 10’ Pole for insertion so no one else gets hurt! I may need to get legal advice, but under the circumstances I believe no jury would convict me. Is this not a clear cut case of self defense?


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