DEWEYS EPIDEMIC – Epstein-Barr Disease approved by dvant

Good Morning Siphoning Viral Fluids,

While ‘Marvin Gardens’ disintegrates around us killing dreams one by one, some of us continue to prosper. Of course this gravy train enjoyed by a fortunate few has to be measured against the working class’s struggle with Epstein-Barr Disease. While the haves dig their own holes, it seems ‘beer pong’ has caused a sharp increase in cases of ‘Mono’ evidently because the sponsors of the game don’t change out cups. Just when one thinks they’ve escaped further beatings from life’s rich pageant, seeping ooze from scabs and open sores consume us. “There is no specific treatment for infectious mononucleosis, other than treating the symptoms. No antiviral drugs or vaccines are available. Some physicians have prescribed a 5-day course of steroids to control the swelling of the throat and tonsils. However the use of steroids has also been reported to shrink appendages and put on weight particularly under the arms and buttocks. But will in most cases decrease the overall length and severity of the illness, but these reports have not been published.”

When one is ‘bitch’ slapped by the day to day, it hardly seems fair to be laid out by the ‘kissing disease.’ Yet like unprotected sex, many of our associates continue to lip-lock throwing caution to the wind. Given my long standing commitment to “Protect and Serve” the two or three of you reading this ‘viral capsid,’ I’m going to break with tradition and reveal the lust-filled associates involved. This break with tradition is so you can protect yourself from this highly contagious incurable brand of herpes. Please understand I get no pleasure from exposing my fellow associates, but I believe public health takes precedence.

What’s odd is the casual nature of this swap of spit. It’s been escalating for months now and has become epidemic. These are not sweet little kisses of appreciation or an innocent peck on the cheek, rather a full-blown wide open mouth tongue in the tonsil lip mauling leaving the recipient in dire need of a towel kiss! As far as I’m concerned this whole sloppy thing began with Collee and Dv’ant. A crapulous Collee felt it necessary to grab unsuspecting male associates by the hair or ears and inject a viral laced slaver on the unsuspecting committee member. The surprised victim would immediately run to the men’s room retching pure bile followed by a rinse from the urinal. I’m not sure of the logic behind the urinal rinse, but I gather the thought process centers on contracting Cholera hoping to override the malady surely carried by our lonely female guest. To my complete and utter horror I witnessed Dv’ant, one of our most senior members of the ‘rules committee’ volunteer to accommodate our kissing whiplash artist and actually embraced Collee in what had to be a thirty second mouthwash. All of ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ went silent. Dv’ant’s acceptance of this woman’s behavior changed everything. Instead of running for urinal protection, patrons of all sexes took this irresponsible act as permission to trade spit at the first available opportunity!

Every day I walk into Dewey’s I see the ramifications of mouth to mouth communication. The next victim of this insidiousness came from Ludwig’s tongue probing of Tex. When one is dealing with the onslaught of old age, the last thing one needs is a weeping open sore on one’s upper lip. It’s affected his social life far beyond the hot plate romances at the senior center. Poo’s dry-hump affair with Touchy-Feely has resulted in complications causing permanent damage to his whippersnapper. Joe and Bagwan’s memorable kiss came as a surprise to most of us, and now both are paying the price of their indiscretion with swollen glands. Even Dan the Bartender was overcome by lust and has infected his cat!

When will the madness stop? Please someone call the police!


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