BAGWAN DOES POO – poo takes over deweys

TOKYO (Reuters) – Resource-poor Japan just discovered a new source of mineral wealth — sewage.
A sewage treatment facility in central Japan has recorded a higher gold yield from sludge than can be found at some of the world’s best mines. An official in Nagano prefecture, northwest of Tokyo, said the high percentage of gold found at the Suwa facility was probably due to the large number of precision equipment manufacturers in the vicinity that use the yellow metal. The facility recently recorded finding 1,890 grams of gold per ton of ash from incinerated sludge.

Good Morning Miners of Dragoons,

If you’ve got the time, read the short article because finding gold in a pile of shit somehow describes life’s rich pageant these days. Every time I watch the news the self-absorbed pretty heads tell us how bad everything is, “Oh my God we’re all gonna die!” tends to be the mantra viewed and chanted from my new digital converter box. Outside of Denny’s free breakfast, it’s hard to find anything worth getting up in the morning for. We’ve convinced ourselves that it will get worse before it gets better so collectively we just don’t care anymore. We wander aimlessly through malls that scream GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE, 75% DISCOUNT, and the ever popular WE’RE GIVING IT AWAY! I can’t remember when I’ve seen more dishabille attire than in the last couple of months. People think nothing of walking around in sweat pants or worse spandex with stained shirts and filthy Croc’s. For God’s sake, just because you’re flat broke doesn’t mean you have to look the part! Have some self respect! I actually saw one of our own jaywalking at a downtown Englewood intersection. Sadly he wasn’t concerned about appearances as he wore a stained Hawaiian shirt and grey sweat-pants hobbling across Hampton. I suspect he was trying to make the 2:00PM deadline for a free ‘Grand Slam’ as he knocked over a young blind woman waiting for her dog to move. Christ! the man never missed a meal in his life! I actually wanted to snag some pancakes, but when I walked in there was a line that extended from the small counter past the register circling the old non-smoking section and back out the door. I really couldn’t commit an hour for flapjacks and bacon, so I went back to my dismal existence, made coffee, and then boiled a couple of eggs.

The two or three of you reading this cerebral bail-out have no doubt read about Poo’s many nefarious dealings and licentious behavior. Speaking on behalf of the ‘rules committee,’ we abhor his reckless behavior but found the normal means of coercion no longer applies. He’s decided to operate outside the rules beyond our ability to influence him. However just when one thinks they understand the proper order of things, it turns 180 degrees to further astound. In a gesture befitting the finest philanthropist Poo walked into Dewey’s and bought drinks for the entire bar! When asked what the occasion was, he reverted back into our beloved ‘rules’ chair and lashed back “Drink your fucking drink and shut up!” which of course caused an uncomfortable silence to rift throughout both sides of the bar. The mood swings were often and severe as our esteemed associate was affable one minute joking with the servers, the next minute he was threatening everyone! An hour later he was sitting alone at curmudgeon corner but clearly seemed to be having a conversation with somebody! He was quite animated about something. Not wanting to attract the wrath of Poo, I stealthily crept through the booths that line the back wall and got close enough to barely hear his expected one-sided conversation. At first I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. But given his many references to our holy man, it was clear he was in a ‘mind-meld’ with the Bagwan.

I was able to finally speak with Poo and ask him point-blank the subject of his dialog with Bagwan. At first he denied it as most do, but after a simple water-boarding he finally welcomed the opportunity to spill his guts. Tied up with Snap-on Tools, our benevolent friend told me everything! Okay most of it was a garbled drunken slobbering, but it was enough. Evidently the ‘Holy One’ has mastered telepathic communication and somehow became fixed on our most senior member, and through an ear-piece was told what to do. This seemed to be an elevation in the Bagwan’s cruelty.

After five hours of Mega Death and endless Carrot Top videos he screamed from the fetal position that the Bagwan had sold out embracing the dark side . This is not what the ‘Holy One’ expected and began to back away to gather his thoughts. Before he could rebound he denied everything buying a little time. Ultimately, like many Prophets before; he was accused of heresy and ultimately stoned to death. In this case I suspect it’s probably not the lump of Granite most of you are thinking of. Only now did he realize toads are poisonous. Poo was spared further torture.

One never knows what deep dark place a nugget can be retrieved.


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