CHRISTMAS PARTY 2008 – swing and a miss

Good Morning Players of Pittance,

It’s become an annual tradition here at the ‘Diatribe’ to document the politically incorrect and morally bankrupt activities often found at the company Christmas party. This year’s event did not disappoint. I love this company and as a reminder for the two or three of you reading this morass, I spent seventeen years there and bare no ill will for how we parted ways. I continue to associate with the company leadership and admire their success. As a result the Christmas party, golf tourney, and picnic carry an open invitation for ole zuki and I never miss an event. Obviously without seeing other parties it’s difficult to compare, but it has to be up there with the best! The Christmas party’s most attractive feature is the open bar from 7:00pm till 1:00am. Alcohol, as expected, is the lubricant that greases the wheels of shameless behavior.

As do most such occasions, the veterans of ‘Christmas Past’ have identified the simpletons unable to hold more than an ounce of liquor without crying or revealing an incurable disease. Unless you want the entire company to be aware of your dalliances savvy attendees will avoid these morons at all costs. The challenge is predicting where and when the event will occur. The key is finding those about to snap. This year’s center of attention will enter into the perfect storm of booze, a recent ugly event, and a dramatic shift in their respective role in ‘life’s rich pageant.’ To be honest this sort of thing can happen to anyone, but if you’re a careful observer you can narrow it down to a handful being unusually loud or obnoxious.

My departure from the company was three years ago so there’s always a few new people to meet. There was a woman who as I understand it is married to the new Production Manager. I’m guessing she is around 45, is attractive, and has a nice smile. She was wearing the traditional black cocktail dress with spaghetti straps that barely contained her 42-D’s. It was truly difficult to maintain eye contact when speaking directly to her. As the party worked late into the evening this woman could be heard over the din of dance music and the conversational ‘white’ noise created by 200 people. “Ha ha you mother fucker… got NO CHANCE of getting in my PANTS!” she yelled from the dance floor (dancing with one of the sales reps) breaking into raucous laughter. I immediately scanned the tables surrounding the dance floor and located her husband trying to gage his demeanor. He was not amused. The sales rep mistakenly thought he had the green light and with ear to ear hope replied, “Baby I’m going to drill you right up to your eyeballs!” The die was cast. I had found this year’s idiot. In spite of the D.J. playing “Brick house” the couple was bent on dry-humping on the dance floor as if the dozens of witnesses surrounding them didn’t exist. It was plain the other dancers sensed trouble, and began moving away or leaving the dance floor all together; enhancing the bright hot spotlight surrounding them. Still no movement from hubby, but was clearly embarrassed if not stupefied by what he was witnessing.

The couple still oblivious to the fact they were the only ones on the floor, continued their sexual grind. It was hard to imagine, but they actually began to perform coitus fully clothed much to the delight of the crowd who now encouraged the couple to go for it! The sales rep put both hands under the shapely ass of this woman and squeezed causing her short dress to ride up revealing a black thong and garter belt. Everyone became quiet. The DJ seemed befuddled as what he should do if anything so the music continued. All eyes were on the husband who felt pressured to do something as it was way beyond harmless flirtation, so he got up, took off his glasses, and walked calmly to the dance floor. Without saying a word he grabbed the rep by the shoulder and spun him off his wife with enough force to throw him to the floor. Being a sales rep his instinct should have been to run away but instead he got up and took a wild swing at the beleaguered husband but missed badly cold cocking his dance partner rendering her unconscious collapsing in a heap. By this time the President and other reps grabbed the broken hearted rep and escorted him away from the scene. With a resounding applause from the onlookers, hubby gathered up the limp body of his wife and carried her off acknowledging their participation. I suspect there’s a divorce sitting under this year’s tree.

I wish you all a cherished Christmas season regardless of your faith or lack thereof and remember, if you intend to punch someone out make sure it’s not your intended bedroom partner…jeez.


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