Good Morning Blessed Children of Acuity,
I certainly don’t want to appear aloof or have the two or three of you reading this torn underwear feel I’m rubbing it in, but I leave Saturday for the Mexican Riviera via Princess Cruise Line. Normally when one hears of friends or families departing on a cruise, most of us think about enjoying tropical breezes, palm trees, and umbrella’d drinks. The vision of walking in open air markets among exotic ports of call is after all almost my personal dream for the end of days. However as I’ve said many times, it takes money to become a local character at Huggo’s on the ‘Big Island.’ Maximizing ones experience on a cruise ship and its subsequent visits to tropical hot spots also takes money, which as usual is not available to me. These deficiencies aside I plan to make the most of it. After counting the shekels not already spoken for I’ve devised a plan. The following scheme represents my best attempt to fulfill a “Drunkard’s Dream:”
SAT – SUN – These two days are spent getting to the first stop. By the time I reach Puerto Vallarta I will have met at least two unattached women (I’ll waive good looks for money) and have had sex with one or both of them. This is absolutely VITAL to the rest of the plan as I’ll be forced to hook up with the one that offers to pay my way in exchange for my charming personality. I’ve already worked up an excellent story and believe it has a solid chance of being bought into.
MON – Snorkeling with Sea Lions at Las Caletas. I just hope neither of us will be mounted by an amorous Sea Lion as it will be in the middle of mating season. This is an all day event so I suspect I’ll need better living through chemistry (thanks Lula) to keep my benefactor happy.
TUE – 18 holes at El Sid Resort in Mazatlan. I’ll be with my Dad and Brother most of the day so my sweetie pie will be left to her own devices. Depending on her schedule I must play this day by ear.
WED – I fully expect by this time I will no longer want to be around this woman and will sincerely express my gratitude for her generosity and company. I’ll explain I’m committed to spend the rest of the time with my family given I have but two months to live. A tearful goodbye and its back to my room to get liquored up. You see the first order of business was to buy the largest bottle of Vodka from the ship’s duty free store and keep it in my room keeping my bar tabs to a minimum. I worry about this given the maids expect to be tipped and it is likely to be much less than expected!
THU – Cabo San Lucas and a water taxi to “Lover’s Island” This is a $5 water taxi ride and promises to be scenic both in nature’s beauty as well as excellent ogling from a nude beach. Clothing is optional and I intend to not spoil someone else’s experience by disrobing. If everything goes right and I avoid a sunburned tally-whacker I should have spent less than $100 and return home a happy man.
FRI – SAT – Spent traveling back to Los Angeles. The only caveat would be if my eventual benefactor is actually okay with the fact I’ve nothing to bring to a relationship and decides to take me in. Who knows I may be making a side trip to Vegas for nuptials and a new home in Portland, ME!
Stay tuned as I plan to post updates at least once a day.