Good Morning Victims of Chumminess,
I’ve determined that on average I spend approximately 16 hours per week perched atop a barstool at Dewey’s! In the last three months I’ve piled up over 5,000 mileage plus points from money spent on food and drink. It finally occurred to me that my insights about people are greatly influenced by drunks! Being in a state of crapulousness communicating with others in similar condition has brought about a certain level of viciousness in my behavior I find disturbing. Having said that though, it shouldn’t surprise me anymore when I find myself in a confrontation I didn’t instigate, but there I was; attacked and forced to defend myself.
More and more I feel victimized by people that for whatever reason need to be accepted and feel little if any self-esteem. Why I’m singled out remains a mystery to me. The only explanation that makes sense is cosmic in nature which of course makes it unbelievable. I must give off a vibe that through the unseen world of particle physics inures those empty souls my way. I believe Woody Allen said something to the effect he couldn’t possibly love anyone who could love someone like him. Friendship even on a cursory level is something that is normally cultivated over time and on some level becomes a mutually beneficial relationship. Am I out of line here? Just because an idiot wants to be friends or something more, are we obligated to befriend them? I say no we’re not! Comradeship on demand is something only fools believe possible and are destined to be lonely and disappointed their remaining rotations.
Last Friday I didn’t get to the bar until late and watched most of the rules committee stagger out the door. One by one I said goodbye until I was alone at curmudgeon corner. Over the last several months a women has continued to sit at the peripherals of our band of morons and at times inject her self into the fray with only a few of the women members responding to her needy persona. It came back to me that she lusted after my body (don’t even go there). Normally I’d be flattered by this and seek to make myself available. However this woman has a pleasant enough looking face, but her ass looks like two bushel baskets filled with lard! For months she’s been trying to flirt and engage me in conversation which I managed to avoid most times. But this day she was determined to make something happen. She began by tossing napkins folded like paper airplanes at me while discussing the affairs of state with the remaining curmudgeons. Given my back was turned I didn’t notice. She kept speaking to me directly which I ignored continuing trivia and bullshit. Again her nasal voice pierced the air asking me to take her home! I politely explained I didn’t think it was a good idea and again turned away from her. When I was alone she promptly drug her stuff over and sat next to me still trying to make small talk.
It was painfully obvious she intended to force this issue so I girded up my loins and in a raised voice asked, “What the fuck do you want from me!?” “I want to be your friend” she replied. I knew better than that and decided to end it all right there and then. In as direct and harsh a voice I could muster I explained to her I wasn’t interested in anything she had to say and was physically repulsed by her. I continued the tirade by explaining I didn’t care if she ever came back. She told me most convincingly that she’d never impose on me again and walked away in a huff. Thank God.
Why was any of this ugliness necessary? The two or three of you reading this mordant turn of events have to side with me on this. I never encouraged her or gave her any reason to believe I was interested, yet over time she felt compelled to get in my face about ‘being my friend.’ Why does this keep happening to me?