Good Morning Masters of Seemly,
Well I hate to be the one to mention this, but as usual it’s up to me. As I’ve stated many times on this forum I feel duty bound to chronicle blithering idiocy when it appears, even if I happen to be involved. I of course was the victim. Ending a week long drama at work I escaped early to beat the Friday crowd and snag a good seat at the corner. To my utter dismay “Filthy Phil” had wheeled in to seal off the corner just prior to my arrival. He’s really becoming a pain in the ass and intend to call an emergency meeting. After ordering a bottled Coor’s Light from the ice bin I settled in to play trivia. Sharing the corner with Filthy is bad enough now it seems my beloved trivia has decided to change its format! In NTN’s on-going effort to attract the 19-25 year old hard body advertising dollar, some asshole has not only turned the last bastion of competition left to me without physical commitment into pop-culture trivia but has completely changed the format! The son of Dv’ant put this pipedream in clear and concise terms, and I quote, “ALL WE’RE INTERESTED IN IS CHASING PUSSY…NOT TAKING A TEST!” Well said.
As the two or three of you reading this limp dick would agree, so far my experience had been greatly diminished. The crowd filled in quickly with several outsiders claiming seats in ‘curmudgeon corner’ which unjustifiably irritates me. I know I can’t reserve six or seven seats indefinitely yet I resent those that unwittingly transgress. My level of petulance had overflowed and now ready to verbally lash out at the helpless. When one achieves the number of rotations I have one gets careful about whom one chooses to pick on. Robert the retarded groper seemed like an easy mark as did Filthy. Looking around, fat Joe Bob was sitting at the table behind me playing two boxes at a time. This has always pissed me off so he was a natural target.
I was about to unleash a verbal lashing to our resident groper when some of the rules committee began to arrive hard pressed to find a seat. I waved at them to come over but even with cooperation only ¾ of a space was created. Not known for his lissome maneuvering the Dv’ant managed to get one elbow on the bar which of course is all that’s needed. Somehow I managed to contain the monster that consumed me and got into the trivia match. Before long I became “ensconced in the arms of Bacchus” and with that familiar numbness wandered to the outhouse to squeeze out a thimble of liquid. Upon my return and subsequent placement on the stool, I was horrified to see my winnings taken from Dv’ant crumpled up and dumped into my glass of wine! Not only was this callow act poor sportsmanship, which we’ve come to expect from the pin-head Dv’ant, but it’s highly illegal to deface U.S. currency! I believe this law is tied to removing mattress tags, I promise to look into it.
Unfortunately Satan’s seed conned Teri into going along with this hateful scheme under the pretense of “don’t worry zuki will think this is funny….go ahead….we’ll all get a good laugh out of it!” So poor Teri carried out Dv’ant’s prank and delivered the filthy lucre depositing the wad in my glass. It was the proverbial last straw; the torrent of expletives that followed caused Teri’s blood to run from her feeble brain and began to well up. I continued the tirade not noticing her shock, “If Dv’ant told you to shit on the front steps, I suppose you’d do it!” Chin quivering she cried, “I thought you were friends so I don’t want any part of this.” Tears flowing from her face, she grabbed her purse and left not understanding what had just happened. Meanwhile throughout what had to be Teri’s longest two minutes ever, Dv’ant was laughing so hard he actually pissed his pants once again amusing himself at the expense of the innocent. You must put this in context though as Dv’ant considers soiling himself a bonus! Selfishly he used the entire roll of paper towels to clean up leaving everyone else to wipe their hands on their respective pants. What a prick!
I want to take this opportunity to formally apologize to Teri for my verbal assault. I know you’re not capable of seeing Dv’ant as everyone else does so I don’t blame you. Although we got a free drink out of my emotional outburst it doesn’t excuse my over-the-top reaction to the harmless prank. Please accept my humble apology.
As for Dv’ant, I hope he’s infected with herpes by a crazed Manatee!