Good Morning Evil Twins,
Have you ever met someone you could swear either was or had an evil twin? “We know they’re around. They’re our dark sides, our hatreds, fears, prejudices, anger, and the very corruption of our souls”! With the exception of Dv’ant they’re the embodiment of all we wish never to be. That said they’re not allegorical, on the contrary, they are very real.
Comparatively speaking identical twins are relatively rare. Evil twins must be far more common, as we see them nearly everyday. Most of us however choose to look the other way. It’s a paradox. Nevertheless it’s one we no longer can ignore. Where do they come from? What do they want? Why won’t they leave us alone”?
These questions haunted me this weekend as they would anyone had you spent the last 48 hours as I did. I finally relented and agreed to go out on a blind date. No Poo, she wasn’t blind, but was an attractive woman blessed with breasts that would make Pamela Anderson feel intimidated. In fact, she seemed to be self-conscience about them. It was difficult to keep eye contact at first, but I managed to keep it respectable. We met at Papaduex’s for cocktails to make introductions and determine if dinner made any sense after that. Jenny was stunning albeit a little top heavy, and could actually speak on intelligent terms. My “Shadchan” seemed pleased that we were hitting it off as she sat smiling and nodding her approval. My host seemed mostly put out, and would have much rather gone to the Rockies game and reminded us all every ten minutes. After a few rounds of wine though, everyone loosened up and genuinely had a good time. More importantly, Jenny seemed to enjoy my company as well. As the evening was coming to an end, I asked Jenny if she’d like to go out the following evening for some blues and dancing, to which she agreed. We decided to meet at the light rail station at Mineral and go downtown to Brendan’s. It was a date!
I was very excited as I was prepping and getting ready. I even used my Old Spice after-shave, which I save for what could be extraordinary events. I pulled in the “Park n’ Ride” and was lucky enough to find a spot near the walk bridge that led to the platform. As I reached the ticket dispenser I could see Jenny already sitting on the bench with her arms folded, legs crossed, and didn’t look very pleased. I sat next to her and we exchanged greetings but could feel tension; it was thick. I asked her what was wrong, and she curtly replied, “I don’t want to talk about it”! The train pulled in and the doors opened so we climbed aboard and found a seat together. Feeling quite awkward about things, I turned on the ole zuki charm and began the schmooz. With an icy stare reminiscent of my ex-wife, she warned me to let it go and not talk to her. She further explained she’d be all right after a few drinks and could unwind. So we made the 25-minute ride in complete silence.
The recently remodeled Brendan’s was dark and a crowd was beginning to file in. We got a table not far from the dance floor and ordered a bottle of Pinot Noir. Still she had nothing to say as the wine finally arrived. After two glasses of wine, she finally uttered her first words. “This place is a shit hole”!
She turned to me and seemed possessed. I half expected her head to start spinning. This was definitely NOT the woman I was with the previous night.
The band finally kicked in so I asked Jenny to dance. Again the icy stare then she replied, “In your dreams asshole” then turned her back to me. Jeez….what in the Hell was going on? I put on Old Spice for this? Then before I could tell her to fuck herself, she tripped the waiter with a full tray of drinks flat on his face. It was not an accident and the waiter knew it. He picked himself up off the floor and was enraged; rightly so. He got in her face he asked why she would do such a thing, to which she flippantly replied, “Because you’re an idiot and I thought it would be funny”. By now the music had stopped and everyone was poised to see what would happen next. The waiter was Hispanic, and not much more than 5’6” but her answer sent him over the top. He put both hands around her neck and began to choke her while shaking her head back and forth!
She was beginning to choke and gag and it was obvious the waiter intended to kill her! Lord knows she deserved it, but not on my watch. I grabbed him and with the help of the bouncer pulled him off her as she slumped back into her chair coughing trying to get a full breath of air. You could hear the string of Spanish expletives from the waiter as he was being dragged out of sight. Brandon’s owner immediately came over to the table and asked Jenny if she was ok and if there was anything he could do for her. I suspect he was headlong up her ass as an attempt to cover his own, but he seemed sincere.
Jenny finally caught enough air to blurt out, “I’m going to sue your ass, and I’ll own you when I’m finished”! The hauteur displayed had no limits it seemed and it was time to leave. The other patrons had witnessed the entire episode and could hear Jenny’s remarks throughout the evening so they had a taste of what I’d been through with this evil person. The lead singer for the band after hearing Jenny’s threat of litigation took the microphone and while pointing a finger at Jenny announced, “Bullshit”! You’ve been acting like an ass all night”! The rest of the patrons chimed “Yeah” and began chanting in unison, “bitch…bitch…bitch…bitch” Jenny now fully composed stood up and with both hands flipped the some 100 patrons the bird.
I had already called a cab and headed for the door. The customers were dumbfounded by the level of arrogance she possessed and began to throw food and drink at her. The bouncers were very slow to break this up as they were enjoying seeing Jenny covered in mustard and sweet & sour sauce. About the time she was completely covered in salad and A-1, Jenny could be heard screaming and flailing as the bouncers ushered her out the door.
I waived at her from the safety of my cab as we drove by. Without hesitation she immediately flipped me the bird. Jeez. I trust you all will have an excellent weekend.