COOL…CLEAR…WATER…….”and now for something completely different”

Please no Tongues

Please no Tongues

Good Morning from the Pure Waters of the Rocky Mountains, The weekends nearly always provide experiences of such oddity I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t pass it along.  As humans it’s safe to assume most of us are creatures of habit. We travel the same roads, eat the same foods, and order the same drinks.  It’s rare indeed when we venture outside our relative comfort zones to experience something different.  In many cases when we do, we’re often rewarded with a unique and pleasurable adventure that surprises our cynical selves. Conversely though, there’s always a risk of regret from the undertaking.

Unfortunately I was privy to such an observance that involved my associates Just JOE and the Bagwan. They actually showed some spine and tried something new.  It was so far removed from their normally predictable behavior, that it shocked everyone at the bar!  They both exhibited rare courage and ordered a glass of water instead of the ‘special select Coors Light’ they typically consume. This raised eyebrows the entire length of the bar!  It was like one of those old EF Hutton commercials where they all stop what they’re doing to lean in and listen.

Not wanting to miss the initial reaction from the first swallow I watched as Just JOE took a long draught from his water glass.  Initially there was no reaction, but a few seconds later he began to cough then hack like he smoked three packs of Pall Malls a day.  Bagwan had just finished his first small sip of H2O and noticed his distressed friend.  He began to slap JJ on the back futilely trying to alleviate his involuntary contraction of the muscles that control the process of breathing, if I may be absolutely clinical.

Poor JJ could not get a breath (there were many with their fingers crossed) and threw himself onto the floor knocking over two of the adjacent stools looking very much like a trout out of water as he struggled for air.  Spittle oozed out the sides of his mouth, as he began to turn bluish-green from his convulsive hacking.  Our Bagwan wasted no time.  He leapt from his bar stool to provide CPR to his struggling friend.

I probably didn’t see this right, but it looked as though Bagwan inserted his tongue. Then without explanation he ceased his attempt at the ‘kiss of life’ and rose straight up.  His face had turned ashen, and began to swell up. My God! It appeared Baggy was in the early stages of anaphylactic shock!  As usual Dawn our astute bartender had already called 911 and professional help was on the way. I was too stunned to offer much help other than to force feed the Bagged One Coors Light.  Just JOE’s coughing seemed to be subsiding thanks to Bagwan’s quick thinking and was sitting comfortably on the floor.

The Paramedics were able to stabilize Bagged One’s condition and indicated my decision to put beer back into his system may have saved his life.  No need to thank me, your courage is thanks enough.  I’m happy to report both have recovered and now stable returning to the bar. I hope this story doesn’t discourage the two or three of you reading this piffle from trying new things. However, I think it’s safe to assume water will be scratched from their collective menus until further notice……. Jeez.

zuki

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BAGWAN MADE IT RAIN A WHILE BACK…..suggests you “walk this way”

Well!!

Well!!

Good Morning Mavens of Quothas,

Once again the Bagwan has slid off the mountain providing we mortals with additional truth and light.  I’ve read it several times now and still in a stupor of thought, so please don’t give up.  “It’s uh…..it’s down there somewhere….lemme take another look”  Enjoy:

One of my favorite authors is a fellow named A. J. Liebling. He started writing for the New Yorker in 1935 and was still there up till the day he died in 1963. If you like to laugh you have to track down one of his books and I would recommend as your starting point, “The Honest Rainmaker.”

The book is about Colonel John R. Stingo — at least that was his nom de plume. He had a career in journalism that spanned 60 years and along the way dabbled in managing prize fighters, touting race horses and working with con men. The title Honest Rainmaker refers to a time when he assisted a charlatan who was paid at various times either to make it rain or make it not rain.

The Colonel had a terrific way with words. In describing himself he says, “I am fabulous out of the gate. But anyone who bets on me in more than 6 furlongs is going to be disappointed.” He observes that, “Disasters never run singly, but always as an entry.”

As opposed to some of the vulgarity you encounter around here   where you will hear crude references to the female anatomy, the Colonel will politely refer to “ladies’ delicate recesses.”

A commercial I saw recently reminded me of one of my favorite quotes of his where he yearns for the time, “When the men were men and the women didn’t use talcum powder.” The commercial is one of those ambulance chasing specials where lawyers are putting together a class action suit claiming that talcum powder has caused ovarian cancer.

A goggle search takes you to the American Cancer Society website which indicates that studies have had mixed results and yield no definitive answer. But what am I thinking going to the ACS website when I have sources right here in Just Joe and Zuki.

I went to JJ first because I thought he would give the issue more serious consideration than Zuki. He admitted that as an aged, lifelong bachelor he had limited exposure to ladies personal hygiene but was adamant that he had never once seen a lady sprinkling baby powder on her ovaries. I had to explain that what we were talking about here was a journey through the vagina, uterus, and fallopian tubes to the ovary. JJ seemed confused and turned back to his Coors Light. I am told he was seen later in the evening poring over an anatomy book with Dawn the bartender.

Zuki of course understood the concept of the journey which launched him into detailed discussion of the suction capabilities of that part of the female. I am not going to bore you with all the scientific details but he was convinced that it was possible. As further proof he cited a Mormon field trip to Tijuana where he and some of his buddies saw a dancer pick a silver dollar up off the stage and no hands were involved.

All this reminds me of an episode on the Jack Benny show when he goes to the drug store to buy some baby powder. The female clerk turns and sashays away saying “walk this way.” Jack turns back to the audience and with that signature, deadpan look of his replies, “If I could walk that way I wouldn’t need the baby powder.”

Bagwan

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MORE LOST OPPORTUNITIES……zuki asks “does your dog bite”

walking the dogGood Morning Dispossessed,

Why is it for some, that well intentioned endeavors that look good on the surface, make sense, and often supported by our associates, nearly always end up blindsiding us? Grief and humiliation will take its toll after a while. It seems our collective lot is forever tied to a bedfellow called failure. Will it forever be our fate to watch what is perceived by most as wise and good then turns to shit?

“Life’s rich pageant” mostly requires adlibbing to survive, as one must deal with both good and bad equally. Being quick on my feet; something that has served me well over the years, is no longer automatic. These days most of my woes are self-inflicted rather than random happenstance. This doesn’t excuse the culpability of individuals bent on hate or revenge. Usually directed at strangers, these people who have lost their own dreams can’t help but enjoy someone else’s tragedy.  Nonetheless I put myself in harm’s way and got bitch slapped.

Most always bad news requires change.  Lately these adjustments have been too difficult to assimilate so I’ve resisted them. That said, sooner or later one must face the inevitable truth. Ideally though you want to do this on your own terms rather than have it dictated to you with little mercy or perspective. It’s easy to Monday morning quarterback isn’t it?  It’s those that can see things coming and take steps to alter or affect the impact that never sweat. I long to be a part of this group!

I found myself enjoying a chicken pot pie from Boston Market with a fine Pinot Noir, but felt sickened by its visual when removed from the oven….negating the warm vibes I started with. This combination was not only in bad taste, it also forced primary colors together which is always considered bad form. Burgundy red mixed with snot yellow, carrots and peas, all juxtaposed within a pie crust aided by dim lighting.  It was just plain wrong!

I cleaned things up around the kitchen. I picked up the empty packaging and carried it out front to the big rubber can. Just as I turned to head back I heard what had to be a small dog barking frothing at me straining on the end of its leash. The incessant yapping of little dogs is in my top ten annoyances. I’d seen this woman walking her dog many times, but always from a moving car.

But there she was trying to keep her vicious Poodle from tearing me to shreds looking mighty fine.  Not feeling too threatened I said hello and walked toward her with my hand extended to introduce myself. This drove the little hairball crazy and the SOB bit me on the ankle actually drawing blood!  Shocked Carol insisted that I go to her house to let her administer to my wound. I told her it was nothing, but she insisted I come with her. She is very attractive for 58 years on this rock, so I limped only slightly.

She had me sit on her sofa with my injured foot propped atop the sofa’s arm; my foot completely exposed to her.  She gently and meticulously cleaned the small gash wrapping the gauze Band-Aid securing the wrap with white tape. She’d obviously had some kind of training given her efficient ministrations.  Although finished, she continued to massage my foot causing me great pleasure. Ever had someone massage your feet? God it’s glorious!  After a few minutes she stopped and looked directly at me and asked, “Marzuki is this all the attention you’ll need tonight?”

Believe it or not I seriously replied, “why yes, thanks so much for the first aid.” With that, I got up and told her I’d see her around and let myself out!

About 2:00 AM I sat straight up in bed and screamed…

zuki

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ZUKI GETS PUMPED UP……full body atrophy in 25 years

zuki gets intimidated

zuki gets intimidated

Good Morning Fettled Ones,

The late Johnny Carson once said, I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I painfully re-discovered the old axiom “Use it or lose it” applies to me as well as the others I keep pointing to.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by it, yet it startled me.  The last two months I’ve been suffering pains similar to sciatica but not exactly that.  My legs could barely sustain my weight and even the simplest of tasks challenge me physically.  So I closed my eyes and picked a doctor from a list accepting my health insurance and wound up seeing a male nurse practitioner.

After waiting around a full hour in the little room ‘Nurse Michael’ breezes in with a clipboard and offered up this brilliant prognosis, “Well you’re not getting any younger”…ha ha..  “Really?  No shit doc….?  I thought for sure there was a problem.” I didn’t get an explanation or so much as a guess from this moron so I stepped it up a notch co-payment wise and saw a Neurologist.

After a barrage of tests (including the rubber mallet on the knee) the young doctor sort of got in my face.  “Mr. Zuki if you don’t get off your ass and begin a regular workout routine, particularly strength & conditioning within the next two years, you’ll find yourself in a wheelchair!”

Needless to say that got my attention, so within days I joined a 24 hour health club and went in for my first workout last Sunday.  I was assigned to a young dude who as part of their business plan, was to work with me to get started and then sign me up for ‘personal training.’  I declined.

For me the 45 minute session was a hellish ordeal.  I was assured that what he was having me do was the very minimum; serving as a base-line to hopefully improve the number of ‘reps’ in each exercise on each visit.  Given only the minimum was administered, I’m now re-considering the wheelchair!

I set my alarm to 4 AM last night thinking that would be a good time for me so I could workout but still make my 6AM work schedule.  My ‘Smart’ phone was in the front room the alarm blasting away.  I began to climb out of bed but immediately froze with near paralyzing contorting and cramping!  As of this writing there is not a single place on my body that isn’t sore and knotted in painful retribution!

For the two or three of you still reading this flapdoodle I suppose my condition could once again be described as a self-inflicted wound.  For the last 25 years my ideas about exercise was drinking beer in a golf cart and occasionally walk more than 10 steps to my ball!  This sluggardly behavior is now extracting a significant price both financially and physically!

As a ‘Public Service Announcement’ (PSA) from the ‘Diatribe’….. Do yourselves a favor and get off your collective asses and DO SOMETHING….. ANYTHING……   BTW…JERKING OFF DOESN’T COUNT

zuki

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THINGS LOOKING UP FOR ROGER THE HAIRDRESSER……zuki feels bad about it

Roger the Hairdresser locks door

Roger the Hairdresser locks door

 

Have you ever heard the phrase “Keep your head about you”?  Or the oft used “Keep your head on straight?”  Well not to be insensitive….but one of our own has been stricken with an acute case of congenital arthrogryposis.   I think mosquitos carry it…..one hell of a bite!

Our associate is unable to hold his head upright as you can see by this candid photo taken outside his hair salon.  Roger the Hairdresser was forced to close shop calling it quits to life’s rich pageant….at least temporarily.  He had the courage to be interviewed by the Mirror and insisted this was “nothing more than a flesh wound” and felt confident he’d be back on his little feet in no time at all.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/body-bizarre-meet-man-born-4143059

 

I’ve been giving RTH a pretty hard time of late and now feel a bit sheepish about it.  Lord only knows I have a few health issues but nothing remotely close to RTH walking on his knees continually having to look up everyone’s nose.  I imagine that takes a bit of getting used to, but RTH is nothing if not confused so it may not be a significant change for him.

He claims he wants no preferential treatment.  I respect him for that as it takes guts!  However when he scooched into Blondie’s yesterday he couldn’t reach his seat at the bar, but when he tried to pull himself up on the rickety chair it tipped backwards sending our boy face-first onto the concrete floor and knocked himself out.  I admire his fortitude but suspect he’ll need help for allot more than hoisting himself on and off a bar stool!  I can’t even let myself think about personal hygiene issues.

I ran into him (literally) the other day and accidentally knocked the little guy over.  He was struggling to right himself so I reached down to help him up and he immediately withdrew from me saying, “Get the F away from me….I can do this myself!!!”  “Suit yourself Roger” I replied and found my seat inside.  When I left some three hours later he was still trying….but was exhausted given all his thrashing about; subsequently pinning himself under a city bench.

As I walked toward the parking lot, I thought I heard crying.  “He’s got to be ready for some help” I wondered and turned around to ask him one more time if he wanted my help.  He still wanted to right himself solo, but was okay with me lifting one end of the bench so he could roll out from underneath it.

He’s one tough cookie!  I know he finally was able to stand upright because when I drove by the next morning he was gone.  Jeez….I have it pretty good after all…,

zuki

 

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