Good Morning Promoters of Lithium,
A wiser man than me once said, “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally ” W.C. Fields.
I’m reasonably sure Mr. Fields had moments of love and affection even if it was only toward a goldfish. In this age of texting, Facebook, Instagram, and the internet–perceptions easily become truth. The danger of altered impressions or any impression for that matter is that they tend to be wrong.
I don’t need to look further than my barstool at ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ to find a perfect example. Most of the regulars at Blondie’s and even my Son perceive me to be continually disagreeable; finding fault in nearly everyone and/or everything. This of course is nonsense! Nothing could be further from the truth! I’m trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Also, I’m generous to a fault, kind to strangers, patient, and embrace self-less behavior wherever I find it.
I AM A SWEETHEART!
While there will always be my detractors (and they know who they are) who would take issue with my self-assessment. But when confronted and challenged to provide one example of my purported anti-social behavior you can hear crickets! Nada, zero, the big goose egg…..and my accuser slips away claiming they don’t wish to discuss it.
I was sitting under the unilluminated light fixture associated with my place at the bar sipping on a cold bottle of beer to contemplate my next adventure when Roger the Hairdresser appeared from vapor. Like a friggin ghost he has an annoying habit of quietly hovering just above the floor as to sneak up and touch or poke you. This always creeps me out, and once again he felt compelled to touch me regardless of my previous admonitions not to.
While the little fella thinks it’s funny ….I do not. While rare, I indeed snapped and became enraged; momentarily losing my normally good natured demeanor. I grabbed his wrinkled chicken neck and lifted his heels off the floor screaming “LISTEN YOU MF….DO THAT TO ME ONE MORE TIME AND YOU WILL DIE!!” For dramatic emphasis I slammed his head on the bar and told him to get the F out or “I shall taunt you a second time!” To his credit he left….albeit with bar napkins damming up his bloody nose.
I immediately began to feel bad at my obvious overreaction and felt guilty for his eventual black eye and swollen face. This was so unlike me to lash out like that so I vowed to apologize to the man-child next time I saw him. To be honest though, the next time he came in I started to get up, and then thought “Why am I apologizing? The little shit deserved it! Perhaps he’ll learn something from all this and become a better person.
So you see once again and without being pedantic, I was able to enrich someone else’s life. So to those who perceive me as a disagreeable asshole, I would beg you to “walk a mile in my shoes” and reassess.