FOR $120 GOD WILL MAKE YOU TALLER…..zuki turns to preaching for his daily bread

Swaggerts apologyGood Morning Larruping Looney’s,

As I often do, I leave the television on then proceed to la-la land.  This goes on regardless of how tired I am.  So on those rare occasions when sleep visits me, I’ll lose track of what I was watching and wake up to an infomercial.  Refocusing, I immediately see some heavy guy in a Hawaiian shirt sitting on a beach in Maui explaining how I could be making millions without investing my own money; seeing my first check in 14 days!  He guaranteed it!  His system is so simple he feels guilty not sharing it with the rest of us plebs.

For a mere $120 he’ll send you his 5 disk CD set that outlines the entire program.  I was then subjected to a parade of people who’ve invested and of course made fortunes choke back tears while describing their rags to riches story all the while praising the Hawaiian shirt guy.  I’ve heard it only takes $20,000 to produce a 30 minute infomercial.  Airtime is pretty cheap at 2:00 AM.

I’d be interested to know how these info-snake oil conmen do.  I’ve always thought I would make a fabulous T.V. preacher.  I do have some credentials here.  I taught an adult Sunday school class and saw firsthand how emotional religious zealots can be.  At will I could make most of them cry.  I can just see it now, try to envision this with me:

I walk onto an elevated platform ablaze in colored disco lights; spotlight following me around as I lay my hands on members of my phony congregation praising Jesus!  Finally the lights are subdued to a midnight blue with me behind the podium in similitude of the holy looking humbly upward as the spotlight baths me in white light.

Lowering my head I now face directly into the camera, eyes closed while mouthing an inaudible prayer. “Dear friends, have you lost a loved one?  Are you in severe and continual pain?  Does your family hate you?  Is it your turn to win the lottery?  Do you want to be taller and more attractive?  The Lord has devised a plan for you to enjoy the riches of this world if you could but heed his word.”

Camera 2 takes over in a three quarter shot of me holding up a CD box set above my head.  The camera zooms slowly in allowing the viewer to see the graphic of Jesus on the cross with bright red text underneath that reads:  I went through this so you can be saved!  In smaller sub-text it reads, “Being saved means being rich.”

Camera 1 now zooms in on me looking directly at the camera still holding the box set.  “Kind friends, I have spoken with God and he has personally approved this box set.  He’s endorsed the content and guarantees you vast wealth and significantly improved looks if you will follow the admonitions contained therein.  Can I have an AMEN?”

Camera 1 picks up the audience rushing toward the angelic Mona standing behind the cash register as if to purchase the box set.  Camera 2 is back on me.  “Brothers and sisters don’t let this limited one time offer go by.  You’ll kick yourself when you see your neighbor 30 lbs lighter driving a BMW with a hot babe in the passenger seat while you remain the same uninteresting slob!  $120 will unlock the Lords plan for you.  And remember it’s been endorsed by God!”

Both cameras pan out to pick up the disco ball light once again showing me laying hands on the phony congregation while the toll free number scrolls across the bottom of the screen.

Call me crazy, but I think it’ll work!  What has Tony Robbins ever done?  Except for being a self-acclaimed millionaire he just came out of nowhere, does anyone really know how he supposedly made his fortune?  That’s right…he ran motivational infomercials!  I know there are a lot of people that would convince themselves the above infomercial was a message straight from God and an answer to their prayers.

I’m looking for investors so please call me.

Amen.

zuki