WHO’S MINDING THE STORE?……zuki explores ‘peter principle’

Yeah Baby!!!

Yeah Baby!!!

Good Morning Denizens of Adulteration,

I came upon this article and thought it quite telling.  While this particular example of idiocy is poignant given the position of authority, but I think it typifies many lesser manifestations of ignorance.  I give you the following:

A Sicilian judge ruled late last year that blogging, under Italian law, is the same as publishing an unregistered newspaper. In Italy, publishing an unregistered newspaper is a crime of “stampa clandestina,” and is punishable by large fines and/or jail. And so down went the first blogger.  He was noticed because he wrote unkind things about the Italian government; a horrible legal precedent and basis for the ruling.

But by registering a blog, the blog would then be subject to all laws governing newspaper publishing which means the blogger could no longer freely write his or her thoughts and no longer a blog.  Since the ruling, another blogger has been taken down.  Apparently there are those in the Italian government who have decided to run with this opportunity.

The judge, not understanding a thing about the Internet, but still given authority over it, unintentionally with the stroke of a pen took down the right of free speech in Italy and empowered the government to gag its citizens.  It’s just one more demonstration of the awesome power of ignorance.

Do our leaders have the wherewithal and enough information to know  what they regulate?  Perhaps…..

I think back to my hellish experience of court mandated therapy.  I was forced to listen to constant psychobabble from women bent on torturing me for nothing more than revenge! What a sham–as it was clear no genuine desire to help confused drunks existed…we had to solve our own problems.

I’m sure this country is lousy with examples of management directing how and what should be done without an earthly idea about how to go about it!  Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull’s “The Peter Principal” published in 1968 must be in paperback by now and would encourage the two or three of you reading this bloated goat to peruse it.  Trust me; although it is written in a tongue n cheek style it’s nevertheless true and explains much about today’s posting.

Please don’t let the facts get in the way because after all “ignorance is indeed bliss!”  It is so much easier to go headlong into our day confident we understand our little universe blinders in place without having to worry about being accurate.  It has served me well over the years….. Perception is truth whether it’s based in fact or not so please keep it to yourself!

Obviously delving out stupidity isn’t limited to government or work as it can be found on multiple levels.  A good illustration was found right here at ‘curmudgeon corner.’  For those of you new to the diatribe, curmudgeon corner is a clever euphemism for a bunch of old men (mostly) drinking heavily and expounding on things like cars, ‘this old house’ theories, and assorted insults subtle or a pie to the face.  Bombastic best describes what occurs there.

Cush is a union truck driver and member of the Teamsters.  I think he’s a good example of someone comfortable with their reality and perceived facts.  I’m not sure how the topic came up, but he tried to convince me the City of Atlanta was as high in altitude as Denver!  He read it somewhere (couldn’t come up with a reference) and was so sure about it he bet $20.  I wanted to convince him he was dead wrong because taking his money on that bet would have been tantamount to stealing.  In spite of my efforts to save him twenty bucks he wouldn’t hear of it and absolutely convinced of his facts.  By the way Atlanta, GA is positioned upon this rock at 1,010 ft; a fair difference from a mile high.

While the above is not an important example, it still serves as warning that the world is filled with morons ready to convince you the earth is flat.  For God’s sake pay attention!


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Have a Heaping Helping

Have a Heaping Helping

Good Morning Creatures of Habit,

Once more our very own Bagwan has come to terms with his mortality and ‘all dressed up and no where to go.”  The Bagster who no longer cares about corporate mandates, unless you go after his ‘Ace in the hole’ and put him on lock-down then he loses his hair and begins to figit.  In spite of his attacks on my character or lack thereof, he makes a strong case for ‘Tongue-in-cheek” and would advise the two or three of you reading this thaumaturge to read it…..please enjoy:

Idioms, axioms, clichés and sayings – I’m not sure what they all mean and more importantly, I’m not sure how much faith we should put in something just because it is said all the time. Here at the Diatribe we constantly strive for the truth in an effort to improve the lives of our faithful reader(s). With that in mind let us try to sort the wheat from the chaff (an idiom I think) with regards to some of these things we hear on a regular basis. I would like to point out that I received prior permission from Zuki to use his life as a measuring stick.

For example you have all heard that “the early bird gets the worm.” Well there is no one who arrives earlier in the morning at the offices of Razor- Wreck than Zuki. Sure enough when Zuki was getting his annual health check-up he was diagnosed with intestinal worms.  On the other hand the one about every time a door closes another one opens would not seem to apply to his career unless you are talking about the door on the loading dock.

One that I hear a lot (especially from women) is “everything happens for a reason.” Now if you just got fired this morning then by all means go ahead and believe that. I somehow have a hard time believing that the families and friends of Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims have yet figured out any sort of reason.

I am uncomfortable with “today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Even though I don’t have a career anymore, I still feel that puts too much pressure on me. I am much less stressed thinking that tomorrow is the second day of the rest of my life.

How about this one: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”  If you are at the local newsstand and pick up a copy of Car and Driver and there is a picture of a car on the cover, you are well within your rights to race to judgment on what you are going to find inside. I guess using it in a less literal sense as it applies to people there is something to be said for its validity. Although with Zuki you are safe using the cover.

There is one that “the sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s ass every day.” In my experience that is not necessarily true and I will give you an example. Steven Schwarzman runs a hedge fund called the Blackstone Group. Mr. Schwarzman received $690,000,000 in compensation for 2014. Now let me ask you, how many days during the year do you think that the sun was shining on Zuki’s rear end instead of Mr. Schwarzman’s?

If it sounds like I’m picking on Zuki don’t forget that I told you he gave me prior permission. Still I feel the need to say something nice about him. There is a saying that many believe that “a stich in time saves nine.” There is no doubt that dealing with problems promptly can work at alleviating bigger problems down the road. Zuki has a slightly different approach in that he believes if you just ignore it, eventually it will go away. I have to admit that I have tried Zuki’s approach and it does work… occasionally.

So in parting just remember that they put their pants on one leg at a time and that the bigger they are the harder they fall. But most important of all, be very careful what you wish for.


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ZUKI TILTS AT WINDMILLS…AGAIN…….finding the elusive needs x-ray glasses

tilting at windmillsGood morning philologists,

In terms of 60 plus rotations I believe most of us married or not will eventually come to a crossroad and forced to pause. I’m not saying a month long ordeal of praying and fasting, rather a moment in time to reflect what it is we want. You’ve heard the old adage “Be careful what you wish for” stated as a warning right?  While there’s a certain level of truth here but encourages hesitation.

In the past two weeks I’ve spent allot of time with a woman considerably younger than I am and enjoyed every minute. She’s funny, witty, and bright, with a fabulous sense of humor. She’s an old soul sharing similar taste in music, movies, and even politics making her seem just “too good to be true.” I know what you’re thinking, “zuki you’d complain about finding $100 in a paper bag, convinced somebody took half of it.” I’m hip. But I thought perhaps I found someone. In actuality I did.

At the very least she could be a friend….should one subscribe to the notion that men and women are able to be ‘just’ friends.  To date I’ve never found that to be true.

Sometimes we think we want something but unable to accurately define it in terms of specifics. I love women. I like being with them generally speaking. But when it comes to a serious relationship in which time and resources are to be committed, all I can summon up is a nebulous rendition of “I think so.” This inability to ‘define’ what it is I want often translates into a ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ mind-set. Flesh wounds aside, it’s generally a case of aiming high but missing the mark.

Unlike one of our own, I don’t see the answer being total disenfranchisement. Giving up the search for what we perceive to be good and worthwhile is far worse than to stumble and err. The Russian writer and part time prisoner Solzhenitsyn said, “It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes… we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions – especially selfish ones.”

I don’t pretend to understand how it works; I’ll no doubt continue to have lapses of stupid. Tilting at windmills seems to be what I do best, so filling the void remains seemingly unattainable!  Be-that-as-it-may, I’ll persevere because I know of no other way!

I don’t apologize for seeking the brass ring. I highly suspect the two or three of you still reading this doppelganger have sought love and missed, right? Of course you have! If you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t even entertain mistakes let alone make them” then you must either be living in a cave or an idiot.

Every one of us should believe in ourselves; even if we’re letting hope overcome reason…..because the other option is to resign.


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BAGWAN USES OSCAR FOR TOILET BALLAST…..neil patrick harris sucks

Neil & Boytoy

Neil & Boytoy

Good Morning Effulgent Shinny People,

Once again our very own Bagwan has avoided near greatness and condescended to bequeath further ‘Truth & Light’ upon we the unwashed.  He has witnessed one too many “award shows” and will extract his ‘pound of flesh’  Please enjoy:


It is Sunday afternoon and as I am writing this the world is waiting with bated breath for Hollywood’s jewel encrusted, yeast infections to walk up the Red Carpet at this year’s edition of the Oscar’s. There will be no update after the show since I’m not watching because I don’t know who they are and I certainly haven’t seen any of the films with the exception of the “Grand Budapest Hotel” which is on HBO. I get HBO because the wife says she watches it but I never walk by when she isn’t watching the Home Shopping Network.

The UPS driver who has our neighborhood always starts with our house in the morning. Old Lady Bagwan currently holds the record for consecutive days with a UPS delivery. Obviously the record does not apply to businesses or even homes which have special needs for things like medical supplies or ammunition. No, this record applies only to the desperate old bats who buy lotions, oils and creams which are somehow going to reverse the work of Mother Nature and Mister Gravity.

Please excuse the rant on the HSN because I really wanted to talk about the Oscar’s or more broadly, awards shows in general. These “show business” people are constantly honoring  each other at  award shows like the Golden Globes, the People’s Choice, The Critics’ Choice, the Screen Actors Guild, the Grammy’s , the Emmy’s, the Tony’s and if they cross over maybe one of the myriad Country Music awards. The only thing missing is an award show for Award Shows.

Speaking of crossing over was there ever a time when tonight’s Oscar host struck you as a female heart throb – I think he plays one on TV. I can’t think of his name but I can tell you that unless he is playing Tinker Bell or Peter Pan he is miscast. I have absolutely nothing against queers in movies but watching Anthony Perkins try to throw a baseball or Rock Hudson seduce Doris Day just doesn’t work for me.

Let’s try once more to come back to the Oscar’s because I noticed that today while they were running the Daytona 500 and Sergio was gagging one more golf tournament they were actually running a day long pre-game show for the Academy Awards. These are the neediest, most screwed up people God has ever put on the earth (including British Royalty). Hollywood has come up with a species which is simultaneously self-important and insecure – hence the need for all the awards shows.

I remember a time when you watched the Oscar’s because it was a special event. Watching Bob Hope or Johnny Carson host the evening always made it entertaining. I would even put Billy Crystal in that category but watching this nancy they have tonight or Ellen or even worse than that, Anne Hathaway and James Franco, makes you yearn for a day long Elvis film fest.

There has been a host in recent times who could make watching all these preening morons worthwhile – that was Ricky Gervais. He hosted the Golden Globes and he showed no mercy.  How funny was it when he introduced Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad? Or said “I like to drink as much as the next guy… unless the next guy is Mel Gibson.” He ended up losing his job as host and in fact he may have been a little too rough even by Curmudgeon Corner standards.

This whole concept of acting as an “art” is just so much bullshit. For every Sir Laurence Olivier there are a thousand Steven Segal’s. My favorite movie ever is “Sunset Boulevard” with William Holden and Gloria Swanson. For some reason there is only one “Sunset Boulevard” while there are 6 Police Academies.

As I get older I am starting to remind myself of one of the characters at the now defunct Deweys – “Old John.” Old John hated just about everything and if you asked him why, his only response was that it was “STUUUPID!”  I am starting to better understand Old John with each passing day.

Please come back next week when I explain why I hate the NBA.


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CHEER UP PATRONS OF MIRTH……creeping toward spring w/fake vomit



Good Morning Children of Parlor Tricks,

I don’t know if it’s a sign of the times, or perhaps it’s just a general malaise that is often associated with winter, but most people I know are uptight with zero sense of humor. Not knowing for sure what we’re collectively dealing with, I can only speculate on how best to mitigate this irritable bowel syndrome we’re facing. As a public service I’d like to remind the two or three of you reading this tripe how easy it is to change that frown into a smile:

Remember the whoopee cushion? Shit I had hours of hilarity at the expense of my Grandmother. Of course these days, technology has produced a version of this old classic electronically as the sound (and often smell) can be remotely triggered while the devise is hidden under a seat. God have we forgotten the potential of peanut butter on the inside of a car door handle? This simple trick in addition to a punctured ketchup packet under the toilet seat, never fails in getting the desired reaction.

Some of our best practical jokes are timeless and often passed down from generation to generation. Who doesn’t get a laugh watching a trusting child hold a sack hollering “here SNIPE” ….SNIPE SNIPE? It always breaks me up to see someone get squirted by the fake flower and bulb devise. These are priceless tried and true jokes still worthy of application.

I can never get enough of the “fools errand” series; sending someone to buy stripped paint, water-proof towels, or read-only CD blanks. These are always fun because they’re at someone else’s expense! People c’mon…..expose yourself to an elderly person! Loosen the cap of salt & pepper shakers; rubber chickens (the neck sticking out of one’s zipper) will always get a chortle. Go out and disconnect a battery cable.

If after you’ve tried all of the above and are still depressed, pull the chair out from under someone just as they’re sitting down! Oh my God you and your friends will laugh for days about that! Shaving cream or a bowl of warm water applied correctly to unsuspecting sleeping friends will create situations that’ll be discussed for years! Cellophane over the toilet, rubber vomit, rubber fruit, and the classic rubber shit will supply countless opportunities for lightening the moment.

Do “Kick Me” signs ever get stale?

My friends these methods for mirth don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. One must only be creative and decide the best time and place to spring the surprise. I still enjoy the Chinese finger trap; five year olds rarely figure it out! Remember dear associates we’re only weeks away from spring and its warmth. Why not usher it in with a smile? Now go out and drop a water balloon on a stranger.


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