BAGWAN SPEAKS OF PROTOCOL AT CURMUDGEON CORNER…….finds similarities to bin laden’s admin

bin laden_applicationGood Morning Proponents of Veridical Reporting,

Once again our very own Bagwan has seen fit to enlighten we the unwashed.  He has come down from his lofty perch after seeing far too many similarities between al-Qaeda and “Curmudgeon Corner.”  His keen eye has seen enough and has demanded an audience.  If you’ll read it carefully, you’ll find the comparison rationally portioned and some would say even-handed.  Please join with me in prayer in similitude to our most holy of holy’s the Bagwan:


Up till now we have accepted every disagreeable, liver-spotted old sot who plopped down at the bar as a member of Curmudgeon Corner. I read something this week which convinced me, actually embarrassed me into believing that this practice must stop. In the raid that resulted in the death of Osama bin Laden a cache of documents was discovered which included a three page job application which had to be filled out before joining al-Qaeda. That’s right; al-Qaeda was more selective and more organized than we are. I decided right then and there that Curmudgeon Corner needed to add a little bit of bureaucracy to its routine.

Not being one to try to reinvent the wheel I decided that with some editing the al-Qaeda application form would work for our purposes so I went to work on the task. I got everything in ship-shape order and then took the form over to Brother JJ’s place of business for printing. When I got the copies back I realized there were some mistakes but I was not about to run up any bigger tab than necessary since we aren’t going to pay the bill anyway. The one instruction I mistakenly left in was #3 – “If you do not speak Arabic, please answer in the language you know.” I actually got one form back in Arabic and we have reported the individual to the proper authorities. Zuki’s shocked reaction, “I always thought he was an Apache.”

I have asked Dawn the Bartender to make sure that all existing “members” fill out a form so decisions can be made about their on-going status. As you can well imagine that has resulted in a lot of grumbling and complaints. I wasn’t surprised to learn that most of the complaints were about the instruction to answer accurately and truthfully because after all, accuracy and truthiness don’t thrive at the Corner.

As I began to review the forms I saw that there were responses which needed to be shared here at the Diatribe. First off, almost everyone got the date right, although a couple missed the year. Nicknames and alias came in 100% perfect. The request for a first name was easy for Roger the Hairdresser but it stumped Cush. He said he has been called Cush for so long that he had forgot what his first name was — although he thought maybe it was “Asshole” since every time he walks in Blondie’s he hears people saying, “here comes that asshole Cush.”

Age, marital status and profession didn’t seem to trip anyone up. I was a little surprised by JJ’s response to “Father’s Name” and “Grandfather’s Name” which he listed as Dad and Grandpa.

Some of the other questions elicited a few unexpected answers. For example we actually got three “no’s” to the question about ever being in jail. Two claimed proficiency in speaking Chinese – JJ in the Mandarin dialect and Gimpy John in Xiang. Although both admitted they have never attempted Chinese before midnight. Very few of our members have passports, forged or otherwise and the list of chronic diseases is way too long to include here. I did pass along the disease list to Dawn so she can add the appropriate antidotes to the dishwashing process.

One question I left in just the way bin Laden asked it: “Do you wish to execute a suicide mission?” One of our more philosophical members pointed out that our current collective lifestyles were a pretty good facsimile of a suicide mission. Needless to say that anonymous fellow will remain a member in good standing and can look forward to a promotion to Assistant Bagwan.

Finally they ask about who should be contacted “in case you become a martyr.” JJ said he didn’t know proper protocol on martyrdom but he thought I should ask Zuki since he has played the martyr for as long as anyone can remember.


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THE BLOOD OF PATRIOTS…..zuki has a reckoning of sorts

Vietnam-memorial-soldierGood Morning Family and Friends,

As we enjoy this Memorial Day, there are many emotions and thoughts that waft in and out my head. As usual, our little forum provides an outlet for my on-going therapy and I appreciate your indulgence. I suppose my commiseration with other veterans is borne out of concern for my Sons and this country’s growing isolation from the rest of the world.

The fight against worldwide terrorism and the ongoing trouble though out the Middle East will require a greater number of men and women currently committed to the military. As in my own youth, I suspect the government will have to reinstate the draft.

My Father, as with many others during WWII rushed to volunteer, because as history has proved the fight was justified. My own service was far less noble. After receiving my draft notice I essentially had four choices; I could enlist with a four year term, I could go quietly for the two years and hope for the best, flee to Canada, or I could go to prison. I resented the forced obligation and was not a model soldier. When I say I’m a veteran, it only describes a classification and should in no way be confused with my Father’s tour of duty. I personally know men who faced death daily in Vietnam. I was mostly AWOL or typing morning reports. History has not been so kind to our involvement in Vietnam and has become the antithesis of previous wars. Never-the-less, 58,229 young people gave up their lives for what was ultimately an act of futility. When surviving vets returned, there were no parades or other such acts of recognition reserved for heroes, mostly just contempt.

If you’ve never visited the Vietnam War Memorial (The Wall), I highly recommend it. Even if you’ve never served in the military, you can’t prepare for the emotional awestruck spirituality that envelops it. I’ve visited it twice. Both times I’d well up and have to choke back tears as I found the names of friends. Designed by an undergraduate art student, I’m always amazed at her insight, as she managed to capture an entire generations feeling. Whether you were a protester or quietly served because your country asked you to, nobody leaves the wall unaffected. It eloquently reminds us of war’s affinity for death.

Maya Ying Lin’s contest entry, No. 1,026 (out of 1,421) took much criticism, and was referred to by many as a tribute to Jane Fonda. She stuck to her guns though, and I think most would agree now, the criticism was unwarranted. Ms. Lin probably said it best; “For death is, in the end, a personal and private matter, and the area contained with this memorial is a quiet place, meant for personal reflection and private reckoning”. So if you can’t make it to the wall today, take a couple of minutes to reflect on how good we have it here. The personal freedom we all take for granted has been paid in full by the blood of patriots.


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THE POLE THEATER TAKES CENTER STAGE…….zuki brings specimen jar

a poleGood Morning Tatterdemalions,

I was perusing my normal sources of inspiration and entertainment for the weekend and came across a Blues Theater website promoting a ‘Pole Dancing’ competition.  This isn’t necessarily your “Father’s pole dance” either as the marquee announced pole art, pole comedy, pole drama, and pole classique!


When did this happen?  Back in the day…and I’m talking way back in the day, pole dancing was limited to firemen and strip clubs.  Today we’ve got “Festivus for the rest of us” introduced in a Seinfeld episode where the pole centered on the airing of grievances with family members over the Christmas holidays.  The North and South Poles are of course geographic markers, Antipodes mark absolute opposites, mathematically speaking “a pole of a meromorphic function is a certain type of singularity” whatever that means, and certainly who can forget the quickly disappearing ‘ski poles’ used to gracefully navigate down a mountain ski slope.  I missed it somehow…I mean the day “Pole Comedy” arrived at a club near you.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but I honestly don’t find poles all that amusing!

I was a mediocre pole vault-er in high school, but 11 feet was honorable in those days and I’m a better man for the experience.  I continued to marvel at the promotion offering a chance for a member of the audience to join the ‘artist’ on stage as evidently there’s an ‘Amateur Division.’ Guest stars that, assuming this is all true and not an elaborate ruse, are well known in the Pole Theatre community and will also perform.  I honestly had NO idea this obsession with poles was so pervasive, but there it was calling to me with bright shiny pictures and text with the following announcement:

Pole Theatre USA:

Friday Night:  Amateur Competition and guest performances by some of the biggest names in the pole industry.  Back by popular demand is Sally Slipenslidey who perfected the running leap catching the pole with both knees using her momentum to spin gracefully onto the stage completing the move with a springing hand-stand onto her feet.  (Para-Medics are on standby).

Gracing the stage and our headliner for the evening is our very own Bertha Clinchmeyer.  She defies gravity by wrapping her buttocks around the pole and with amazing strength and muscle control uses her ass cheeks to climb the pole!  (Please no cameras)

Saturday Night:  Professional Competition and guest performances by last year’s national champion Olivia Spittle; bringing her plates on a stick routine to our humble venue!  Marge “Firehouse” Brickman will be there without a helmet as she uses the pole to drop 20 feet directly onto her head….she gets up (most nights) and carries a basket of fruit on the flat portion of her head on exit!  You have to see it to believe it.  Cheryl Boneme’ is our final act!  Get a front row seat and watch Cheryl hump and make love to her favorite pole; gyrating for tips..   (Towelettes will be available)

Our emcee both nights is Michelle Shimmy, a Sydney-based pole dancer, instructor and co-owner of the Pole Dance Academy.  Shimmy has performed and competed all over the world, and we could not be more excited to have her on our stage!  She will be available for private dances after the show.

Our judging panel consists of Marlo Frisken, Nadia Sharif, Maddie Sparkle, David “Toothless” Owen, and Natasha Wang.

For the two or three of you still reading this ‘bucolic’ rhapsody this “New shit coming to light” has opened up a whole new world for this observer of “life’s rich pageant.”  I plan to get a front row seat this Saturday night.

On a side note:

I’m looking for an attractive woman interested in cooking while on a pole.  It’ll take some practice but believe that by securing a hot plate around her waist my star would cook then feed some lucky customer a ‘Denver’ omelet.  This can’t miss!  Contact me for more details.



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george and billGood Morning Cynosure’s of Life’s Rich Pageant,

It’s Monday therefore it must be time for Bagwan’s “Further Truth & Light” brought to you by the good folks at the Clinton Foundation.  While today’s whipping seems far removed from our ‘Holy Cantillates’ usual condescending platitudes and besmirchment, he does make a point.  Please take a minute to familiarize yourselves with Bagwan’s far reaching report as there will be a test.  Enjoy:


ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos was in the news this week himself. I wanted to weigh in on this but I was afraid I would screw up his last name and sure enough the first time I typed it I did. I was relieved to find that my computer auto-corrected my mistake so I now feel free to proceed. I would say that you add the name Stephanopoulos to his diminutive figure and that almost fake looking shock of hair and you have the makings of a Muppet character on Sesame Street. Only instead of having Jim Henson’s hand up his ass he has Hillary Clinton’s up there. Now don’t get excited Zuki, I am speaking metaphorically.

It turns out that George gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation and forgot to mention that to anyone. ABC News’ rules permit charitable donations, but reporters are required to inform management before covering a story related to the organization. Stephanopoulos did not tell his bosses, or viewers, about the donations before interviewing Peter Schweizer on the Sunday public affairs show “This Week” recently. Schweizer is the author of “Clinton Cash,” a book that traces the involvement of organizations that have donated to the Clinton Foundation.

George hammered Schweizer pretty hard suggesting that he had really not uncovered a “smoking gun” in the Clintons’ dealing with the foundation’s donors. The best part was when he questioned Schweizer’s objectivity since Schweizer had written speeches for George W. Bush. Where does he get the nerve – can you even begin to comprehend the hypocrisy here.

George’s connection with the Clintons goes back to when he worked on Bill’s Presidential campaign in 1992. He had previously worked on the Dukakis Presidential campaign so his left wing bona fides are pristine. It would be naïve to think that network news anchors don’t have political beliefs but is it pure coincidence that they all seem to lean left? Even old Uncle Walter Cronkite and Tom Brokaw come off as bleeding heart liberals in their post-career writings.

This whole business of the wayward network news anchor is starting to pile up on us. I have mentioned Brian Williams’ misdeeds before but now the total of his documented on-air lies is up to 11.  And you have to love the audacity of Dan Rather who tried to influence a US Presidential election with a forged document on W’s National Guard service. Dan Rather to this day thinks he did nothing wrong because the end (derailing Bush) more than justified the corrupted means. Poor Brian Williams should not be held accountable because it has become obvious that he suffers from the same malady as our genial host who believes that a good story cannot be held captive to reality and the truth.

While we are dealing with the tawdry and the unseemly, how about those Clintons? The Clinton Foundation that George so generously supported is now on the “Watch List” of the highly respected Charity Navigator. It seems there are questions about donations from countries and corporations that had direct dealings with the State Department while Hillary was Secretary of State. And there are questions about how much of the money donated by the likes of Microsoft, Algeria and George Stephanopoulos ever reached the AID’s victims of Africa.

While I can’t stand the thought of Hillary ever being President, I have actually come around on old Bill. First of all he wasn’t an awful President (not great either) but not awful like the buffoon we currently have. Second the whole Monica thing is a testament to the power a hard-on can wield over the brain of even a Rhodes Scholar. Here you have the most visible and most protected man on the earth living in what amounts to a birdcage enclosed in a glass house and he still manages to get himself some strange. And I don’t think we should hold the perjury charge against him either.  I was told that the first rule of this type of activity is: “Deny it and defy them to prove it”—or Zuki’s less effective, “That’s my story and I am sticking with it.”


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A SIMPLE ‘THANK YOU’ WOULD SUFFICE…..zuki is snubbed for wine selection

elephant prideGood Morning Gracious Hosts,

“Don’t you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle.”  

I have imbibed since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure. When you work hard all day, even with your head as opposed to one’s hands, and must continue to work day by day the rest of one’s life drink becomes your friend and confidant.  How else can one change perspective putting one’s ideas out there on a different plane other than whisky? When you are cold and wet what’s better to warm you?  Before an attack who can say anything that calms?  But what is better at giving you the momentary well-being necessary than Rum? The only time it isn’t good for you is when you write. You have to do that cold. “Modern life too, is often a mechanical oppression and liquor is the only mechanical relief.” Earnest Hemingway

There is an old saying telling us you can’t kill a frog by dropping him into a pot of hot water. As you drop him into the rolling boil, he reacts so quickly that he immediately jumps out unharmed. But if you put him in cold water and gradually warm it up until it’s scalding hot, you have him cooked before he knows it. Sometimes I think this is like the people we surround ourselves with in that we rarely see them for the assholes they really are. Gradually, day by day, month by month, year after year you see signs, and then in one moment of clarity these impostors reveal what petty ungrateful drunkards they are!

“Nothing more detestable does the earth produce than an ungrateful man” — Ausonius

One of our own has finally stepped forward and identified themselves as a complete ingrate, incapable of saying thank you, even after breaking bread and drinking the last of my fine wine, all this asshole could muster was to belittle my efforts explaining their wine was superior to mine. To me this is unconscionable; as I presented the very best I had only to be shit on for my efforts.

While in Malaysia I noticed the glaring differences between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have not’s.’ Yet the Malaysians are the most humble and polite people I’ve ever met. During my work there, I affected many with my tongue n cheek manner and believe it or not some wanted to be around me. I was invited to join a cop and his wife for dinner at their home. By any standard their house was very poor. The tiny structure was on stilts to secure it during the rainy season and seemed to be in significant disrepair. We had a pleasant albeit broken (English) conversation and positive it cost these good people two weeks pay to entertain this fat American sitting at their table. I’m certain they gave me the very best they had. I wanted to give them money but knew it would only insult them. All I could do was to show gratitude, and thanked them graciously and sincerely for their hospitality. My hosts seemed very pleased.

I don’t have any bad habits. I’m sure there are some that would take issue with that, and that’s okay. But I’m comfortable living with them as they’re all right for me. But a man, who exposes himself when he is intoxicated, and is incapable of showing true appreciation, is a man without grace and honor.

This person is a cretin undeserving of even a mother’s love.


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