MONEY MONEY MONEY…..zuki is tired of all the lies

rich-peopleGood Morning Disciples of Defalcation,

It always amazes me when I hear stories of hapless individuals getting scammed out of their life savings and left for dead.  Typically the news story is about an 80 year old trying to donate money to a charitable cause and winds up getting bilked from some greasy guy without a conscious.

Theft comes in many forms though and not always tied to a scam.  Last year Massachusetts tried to pass legislation making a person liable for things said to each other while dating or in an ongoing relationship.  So hypothetically (I’ve never done this mind you), if for the sake of getting laid I told a woman I loved her and would marry her tomorrow and she agreed to have sex based on my statements, I could be held liable for damages.  In a canonical sort of logic, the proposed bill if passed would have caused me to be subject to litigation from a vengeful woman hell bent on emasculation.  I can’t imagine the can of worms that law would have opened!

I bring this up because we ALL say and do things to further our own agendas and justify those things as innocuous byproducts of doing business.  However, the ease with which many will connive and the depths they will sink to cheat others is indicative of the overall mindset of our financial markets today.  What sickens me is how these bastards pat themselves on the back for their philanthropic deeds then point them out whenever it becomes expedient. These bottom feeders don’t do ANYTHING unless they benefit from it.  This is the worst kind of hypocrite!

I don’t want to dwell on the above as it’s too depressing so I’m going to get to the point.  I purchased a Powerball ticket that I fully expected to extricate me from my current squalor and deposit me in Kona.  I purchased the ticket in good faith and even prayed for good measure.  Last Saturday’s drawing for 60 million was not forthcoming as expected.

I’ve retained an attorney on a contingency basis and we’re going after Powerball for breach of contract.  I know what the two or three of you reading this pack of lies are thinking; “C’mon zuki each ticket clearly states the 176,000,000 to 1 odds, how could you possibly think you have a case?”  I’m hip.   Nobody said it would be easy.  My attorney Harvey B. Fleecemuch is going to adopt the idea discussed above and go after them for being promised untold wealth in media ads and unapologetically failed to deliver the goods. The piss-ants at the Colorado Lottery actually laughed when I claimed the prize.  I suspect it will be a landmark case.

For those of you that play state sponsored lotto or Powerball and feel as though you’ve been duped and misled by the exaggerated claims spewed from states greedy for lotto dollars and wish to collect for your pain and suffering, I’m taking donations for what’s sure to be an extended legal action.  Please send your tax deductible donations to the following:

Zuki’s Improbable Legal Fund

PO Box 509

Denver, CO. 80123

 

God Bless You,

zuki

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TODAY’S TECHNOLOGY CALLS BULLSHIT……new app new truths

big JohnsonGood Morning Victims of Swagger,

I trust everyone had a reasonably restful weekend free of stains and odors….particularly on the up-stroke.  I wanted to take this opportunity to thank the Bagwan for his posting.  I for one now check my shirt tails prior to tucking it into my pants.  Not just shits stains mind you, but for spiders and scorpions as well.  One can’t be too careful.

The world of “Apps” and mobile devices continue to stagger the mind!  According to this article (see link) Chubby Checker is suing HP for using his name on an App they developed to measure the male ‘Johnson.’  This absolutely defies believability!  Yet one can’t make these things up!

http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/jul/25/chubby-checker-penis-measurement-app-lawsuit-hewlett-packard

According to the ‘App’ maker’s website here’s the pitch:

Description:

“Ever wonder what’s your friend or boyfriend’s penis size? Ever wonder who has bigger? It’s not sick, it’s totally normal! Most people wonder about those things, but too shy to simply compare or to use a regular ruler on your boyfriend.

Here comes this great application to help you and your friends! The interactive ruler in this application will measure it using the scientific process known as photogrammetry to determine penis length.”

The App is free so I loaded it up and tested it against a previous measurement done by Christine on my erect ‘Johnson’ using a standard plastic ruler to compensate for the upward curvature.  The 8 ½ inches has since offered me confidence knowing my female guests were well taken care of.  After three separate measurements by the App, it not only confirmed the original mark but averaged an additional ¼ inch!  I was very pleased.

Curious to know whether or not my “Johnson” could be a subject worthy of braggadocio I brought it to ‘Curmudgeon Corner.’  At first everyone was reluctant to put themselves in a position of revealing their true measurements–given the years of lying about it, but finally relented.  One by one each curmudgeon traveled to the bathroom and in a few minutes returned posting the results.

Meanwhile Dawn and the serving staff were making side bets.

 

While the results were disturbing….they also offered a bit of comic relief and is as follows:

  1. JJ – 3.7 inches……we went ahead and rounded up for a solid 4 inches
  2. Roger the ‘Hairdresser’ – came back with a whopping –  4.3 inches but said it was a lie!
  3. Dv’ant returned with a negative number?  He measured three times but all returned with a  -2”
  4. Sonny threw my cell phone back walking out in a huff….mumbling about “having no complaints”
  5. The Bagwan refused the test claiming it was evil and needed more truth & light.
  6. Cush was in the bathroom the longest.  In tears he returned the phone.  The App said, “No available data”

I continue to marvel at the exponential growth of technology and how it improves our lives.  It’s good to know ones limitations as well.  In the case of our little experiment above, squelching  the daily bullshit claims affirming the size of some moron’s “Johnson,” God bless technology as I suspect that’s over!

zuki

 

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SOILED SHIRT STINGS BAGWAN…..sniffs out culprit

shit stain opptyThe movie “To Have and Have Not” should be good given that it stars Humphrey Bogart, is based on a novel by Hemingway and has William Faulkner as a screenwriter. It should be good but it is not. It does, however, have some memorable lines. The most famous one is by Lauren Bacall about whistling (“just put your lips together and blow”). My favorite lines are all from Walter Brennan who plays Eddie, an old rummy. The one he repeats throughout the film is: “Was you ever bit by a dead bee?”

Eddie: Say, was you ever bit by a dead bee?
Beauclerc: I have no memory of ever being bitten by any kind of bee.
Slim: Were you?
Eddie: You’re all right lady. You and Harry’s the only one that ever—
Harry: Don’t forget Frenchy.
Eddie: That’s right. You and Harry and Frenchy. You know you gotta be careful of dead bees, if you go around barefooted. Cause if you step on ‘em they can sting ya just as bad as if they was alive, especially is they was kinda mad when they got killed. I bet I been bit a hundred times that way.
Slim: You have. Why don’t you bite them back?
Eddie: That’s what Harry always says. But I ain’t got no stinger.  propertuckage

I bring this up because I have an equally compelling question: Did you ever shit on your shirttail? It’s like the dead bee in that it is not something you ever think about until it happens and then it becomes a major problem —especially if you are in a public restroom.  Think about it for a moment. First of all you don’t even know this has happened till you go to tuck your shirt back in. You feel the moisture and pray it is just water but a glance at your hand tells you otherwise. Now the fun begins with the question of how are you going to clean it. Ihave to tell you that it is humiliating to be standing in the restroom at DIA in just your suit pants washing fecal matter out of your shirt. The Curmudgeon Corner alternative would be to simply tuck it back in as is, take your seat on the plane and act like you are looking around for the smelly offender.

My other favorite line from the movie also comes from Eddie:

Eddie: Drinking don’t bother my memory. If it did I wouldn’t drink. I couldn’t. You see, I’d forget how good it was, then where’d I be? Start drinkin’ water, again.

Bagwan

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THE FEAR AND STENCH OF DEATH……aloha let’s eat down at the luau

pcc-imu-1Good Morning Dipsomaniacs,

I think it’s important we continually remind ourselves that life’s rich pageant is but a fleeting moment, an infinitesimal speck of dust orbiting within the expanding universe subject to flicker and die.  Life isn’t over at 65,….but it sure seems like it.  Don’t misunderstand, in my feeble mind I’m still 25, nimble, and swift of foot, but when I get up in the morning there’s a long list of ailments and/or maladies that beset me and drag me back to reality.  Yeah yeah I realize most of us hate getting older and should buck up and deal with the eventuality of death.  I’m hip….

The problem with that is I’m truly not prepared to die.  Like holding the winning Powerball ticket, I have hope that modern science will find the ultimate “Fountain of Youth” and stop if not reverse the aging process.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.  Yes…, please…I know I’m letting hope overcome reason, but as the line goes in the movie ‘Shawshank Redemption’……Red and Andy are discussing the pros and cons of having hope while doing time, Andy says to Red…“You either get busy living or get busy dying.”

Borderline morbidity some would say!  Of course this all depends on the age of those that would take me to task on this.  I think it was George Bernard Shaw or Oscar Wilde (both were credited) who said “Youth is wasted on the young.”   It takes 60 plus rotations to appreciate that remark because only from the perspective of age can one see how one’s own youth was squandered.    Would I have done things differently if I was given a ‘do-over’?

I’d like to think so….

For the two or three of you still reading this bereavement, the typical response to death is to ignore it and maybe it’ll go away.  For most of us death is not a pleasant topic of conversation unless of course you happen to be sitting at ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ where death and/or hoping for someone else’s death are commonplace.  This fear has been a response to death ever since the first caveman went up against the Saber Tooth Tiger with a pointy stick!

In some cultures the burning of corpses to destroy evil spirits was sensible hygiene and seems like a good idea to me.  Yet some cultures would eat the deceased as a show of respect to the person who died!  It’s a striking contrast to be sure.  I began to think about all the meat on the hoof represented at the corner; any one single ‘Committee Member’ could feed us all for a week!  How would you cook the Dv’ant or Cush?  I’m leaning toward lining a pit with stones and bury the body with layers of hot ash and banana leaves baking 12 hours and then eat them like a pig served up in a Hawaiian Luau.  Ummmmmmmm….  The other benefit lies in the fact you’re able to toss the gristle and bones right back into the pit; a ready-made grave!

I do indeed have something to live for!!  Jeez.

zuki

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CUSH COMES BEARING GIFTS…..JJ makes him leave in a huff…

Good Morning Children of Estivation,

SiCushnce the return of this our humble forum I’ve heard from several of you.  Most were supportive and said they’d start tuning in again to which I’m grateful.  But there was one of you that mocked me wishing me to “Die from a slow and painful stomach cramp.”  That hurt a little….but I moved on.

I learned fairly early in life that not everyone is going to like me.  Still in my own mind (such as it is) I expect everyone to like me and never understand when someone expresses displeasure with something I said or acted out.  Then there are situations when friends don’t see the humor when the joke is at their expense and feel ganged up on.  Being thin skinned will, most times, result in “leaving in a huff” yelling insults feeling hurt over essentially nothing.  Yet the delicate among us are doomed to be a target.

Last Friday I witnessed a terrible example of being thin-skinned.

Our good friend ‘Cush’ had just returned to ‘Curmudgeon Corner’ from a week in Keystone and came bearing gifts.  Cush and his bride are collectors.  To illustrate just how badly they suffer from collection stockpile syndrome, they’ve dedicated an entire room to Denver Bronco & Avalanche memorabilia including jerseys, photo’s (many with autographs) and other such stuff you’d find in most “Man Caves.”  That said, and to put this in proper context, most man caves include a bar and/or a regulation sized pool table!  In Cush’s shrine there’s barely room to stand….with boxes of stuff stacked 6 or 7 feet high!  I think it would comfortably fit the clinical definition of “Hoarding.”

Cush was thoughtful enough to buy “Keystone” t-shirts for Dawn the bartender, Just Joe, and yours truly.  Cush, being worried about beer staining the new garment, put mine in a plastic bag and hung it on the back of my chair.  JJ came in about an hour later and found his usual place at the bar.  An excited Cush fished out his t-shirt smiling ear to ear, and as if an ancient artifact carefully presented his gift to JJ who immediately said thank you and set the cotton blend shirt next to him on the bar returning to his beer.

After a near miss, a spilt beer courtesy  of Roger the hairdresser, Cush in a concerned voice pleaded with JJ to remove it from the bar and put it in a plastic bag while pointing to my example.  JJ who obviously had enough of this whining about spilt beer; spread his gift over the bar with the ‘Keystone’ graphic facing up.  He then took his glass of Coors’s Light and in a very cruel mean spirited way carefully poured most of his brew on the t-shirt.  This ignited the corner into laughter because it was genuinely unexpected catching us all off guard, eliciting huge guffaws.

Bristled and embarrassed Cush told us all to “fuck ourselves” and like a petulant child stomped out in a huff!  JJ ran after him yelling “Come back Cush…Come back….I’m sorry” but it was too late, the damage was done.

For the two or three of you still reading this barbarous cumshaw I hope this will be a lesson to you.  When you accept a gift from another person, particularly a friend, don’t wipe your ass with it until you get home!!  Jeez….

zuki

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