Good Morning Techno Geeks,
Not every time, but certainly there are times when a situation requires quick thinking followed by immediate action. For the most part this fact eliminates my participation as there’s little to nothing left about me that could be described as quick. Yet knowing this and accepting my slow footed mackled reactions to damn near everything, has in a way been liberating.
Up until this week, I’d continually be frustrated by my adroit-less meanderings and clumsy attempts at meeting women struggling with even superficial conversations like the weather. It seemed inevitable that I was destined to live a lonely life of wishing I was someplace else. Yet I’m always surprised when my life’s miserable happenstances are miraculously alleviated and fortunes reversed.
I’m not sure how long the app ‘Tinder’ has been around, but my son loaded it up on my I-phone and was immediately hooked. Finally, a technology that dovetails with my own preferences and gets straight to the point. I’ve done the on-line dating thing where one must write a personal profile detailing preference, hobbies, religious dogma, and two pages of ‘who I am’ self-applied drivel. I never read any of that and based my interest solely on a woman’s looks and body. Yes it’s shallow, but let’s face it; if one isn’t physically attracted to a person any would be relationship has ZERO chance of success.
I’m no doubt five years behind this technology but for the two or three of you reading this babelistic overture ‘Tinder’ is a simple yes or no based app that displays multiple images of a woman (or man…for you Cush) based on one’s geographic location. If a woman I ‘Liked’ tags my images Tinder sends a match notice and the rest is up to me or her. Crystal tagged my set of images and my pathetic life became infused with bizarre!
Over the weekend I was in Utah to visit my ailing mother. I was camped out at my brother’s home and had a couple hours to kill while he and his wife went to a funeral. I began to ‘Tinder’ and flipped through what must been 25 photo profiles when I came upon Crystal’s set. For a woman living in Mormon country I was struck by her revealing shots accentuating her breasts, ass, and legs! For a 54 year old woman she’s held together very nicely and was more than pleased that we were matched!
I texted her (through Timber system) with a simple hello how are you, and pointed out we’re only 9 miles from each other so can we meet? To my amazement she replied back ‘Yes’ and suggested we meet at the only bar in Brigham City, Utah! My brother’s house is less than a mile away so we agreed to meet.
After several rounds of Vodka Tonics she suggested we move the party to her house to which I readily agreed. Her house is an older home maybe 1,200 square feet located at the base of the Wasatch Mountains in Honeyville, UT just north of Brigham City.
When I first walked in my eyes began to water from the foul stench of cat urine. I was surrounded by (estimation only) a dozen cats. Her place was filthy even by my standards which trust me; I’m not fanatical about house cleaning. Crystal called to them one by one and they all came running. Careful not to step on one I followed this woman to find a seat on a severely stained couch. The cats jumped on us immediately and began begging for food or attention by rubbing against us. It was creeping me out and wondered if the reward would be worth it. The fact I needed her to drive me back kept me there for the moment.
After partaking accoutrements suitable for the occasion and her expert ministrations we began to suck face until it became very urgent. It was obvious she intended to complete the act on an already toxic couch mingling my ick with what’s sure to be 100 other DNA samples. Now in the throes of coitus, we had found a good rhythm and was thrusting my way to home plate when several cats decided to join the fun and jumped on my ass and began growling.
Still focused on the task at hand, I continued undeterred. However, several more cats joined me by sitting on my back and neck/head also growling. This was too much for me and in an instant lost my hard-earned enthusiasm. It was NOT going to happen like it should have, so I disengaged from Crystal who sincerely asked me what was wrong. I looked at her in disbelief and in irritated tones asked, “What the hell is wrong with you? It’s bad enough your house has become one giant litterbox but to allow them to ride it out is bizarre at best!” She began to cry….. my cue to leave.
It was sunny but cold as I began my walk to my brother’s house. I had time to reflect upon what had just happened and thought, “Jeez zuki this puts chasing tail and getting pussy in a whole new light!”
It’s never easy being me…